Tag: Mindfulness

Be kind to yourself

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I found this photo on my Instagram feed, and I immediately copy and pasted it. It serves as a reminder to me on the days that I am beating myself up to cut myself a little break. I have a tendency to think I am not doing enough (don’t we all in some manner) – I am not putting enough energy into the kids; I am not doing as well at work as I should; I am not spending enough time with my hubby; I am not learning how to cook better! You name it, and it seems that I have someway to dog on myself about it.

I turned that thinking around today. I had a majority of the day to spend with Mario because Maria is in Chicago and Jon went to visit his cousin. I knew I would be hard-pressed to spend much time with Mario since he stayed up late with his friends (which meant he would want a long nap), and he had to babysit in the evening. I spent a good amount of time yesterday trying to research what he and I could do together. Go rollerskating? Go shopping? Watch a movie? Take a hike? All of my ideas were met with a huge sigh as well as a firm “no thanks.” I could have just demanded that we were doing a certain activity; however, he is a teenager. I don’t want the entire time I spend with him to be him sulking, and it would be pleasant for both of us if he somewhat enjoyed whatever activity we chose. The problem is, all of the activities he would choose I can’t stand, and vice versa. No matter what, I knew that I needed to spend some of the day working on him with his homework, and making him complete his chores (that somehow always get forgotten by Sunday night).  Long story short, there was no day out at the movies or mother/son shopping. Rather, Jon and I and Mario played a few rounds of Mexican dominoes together and talked about his night out with friends. Then Jon left and Mario and I sat at the kitchen table spending time on his homework. After studying for biology and geometry, and taking a Spanish quizlet, he asked if he could go up and take a nap. I agreed. Before his nap, he asked if I could make him some lunch. He wanted a meatball sandwich, but we did not have any sub bread. He threw a bit of a hissy fit and stomped upstairs, but then came back down about two minutes later. I asked if he wanted me to make him pasta and meatballs instead. He nodded yes and gave me a hug before heading back upstairs. Those are the moments that I hold tight. We both cut each other a break and withheld from yelling or being pissy towards one another. We gave each other grace. 

I look back on our time together today, and I was present in the moment. We did not engage in any activity that was super spectacular, but I let myself enjoy the time we had together.  And I gave myself some love for simply being in the house and available to him.  During the day or evening, he straddles downstairs and grabs a water or just comes down to say hi. He doesn’t sit with me and tell me his life story or give me any major insights into his world, and I don’t do anything spectacular for him. I think it just is comforting to have your parent around. 

In the past, I would not have been as thoughtful about being in the present moment. I would have been sitting at the table playing dominoes, and wondering what else I could do with Mario. Or I would be fretting that I am only playing a few games of dominoes and we should be doing something more. it has been a process to let that thinking go and to just absorb the moment. Watch him as he studies his tiles and determines which one to lay down. Laugh with him when Jon cracks one of his spectacular jokes. Look at this beautiful creature that Jon and I created, and all of the magnificent energy he exudes. 

I had a similar experience with Maria when we went to Europe. We went to a café to have lunch. It had a fabulous atmosphere for a cozy, one on one conversation. When we sat down, my mind raced to a scenario whereby Ri and I were engaged in an intimate, deep conversation about her life, her experiences, her future. When she asked if I wanted to play a game of contexto while we waited for her food, and then proceeded to talk with me about how funny dad is on his moped, I initially thought of a way to steer the conversation to something I felt would be deeper and more meaningful. But I caught myself, and I remained present in the moment with her. Enjoying the time in the manner she wanted to spend it.  Listening to her talk about her dad, and witnessing the love she has for him. Being amazed at her ability to navigate college life already by parking on campus and getting to her class on time. Feeling proud of how hard she works on social justice issues.

This self compassion work not only helps me feel better about myself, but it opens my mind to witness more in those people around me who I love. Thanks for the reminder, Kristen Neff.

Details of Daily Life

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It takes gargantuan effort for me. I have a pinball personality – bouncing from one area to the other and to another. But with continued practice and mindfulness, I’m able to focus a little bit more on the small, often forgettable moments, that in the end, create a scrapbook of happy:). 

Here’s a couple of recent:

Mario and I kneeling at the open window in the dining room and listening to the rain come down against the sidewalk and plants outside. He placed his arm on my shoulders as we listened together. Then he whispered “smell the rain, mom, doesn’t it smell good?” Moments later,  lightening filled the sky and we looked at each other thrilled to have witnessed it together (one of us usually observes it and it’s gone by the time the other looks up).

Ri blowing her nose incessantly through the night. I had to sleep in her bed with her because Sarah was in town and got the “master suite.” It’s bad enough that Ri kicks and punches through the night but top it off with constant snorting and nose blowing, and you wanna go sleep on the roof. At around 2 am, I finally had heard enough. I turned to Ri and crabbilly remarked “can’t you stop sniffling and blowing your nose!” She turned towards me. I could see a quarter of her face due to the moon shining in her window. Her eyes were barely open. “I’m sorry, mom, I’m trying to be quiet.”

I leaned over and hugged her and told her I was sorry for being obnoxious (it was 2 am however so she’s lucky I hadn’t thrown in a cuss word…). I gathered her up in her blanket and held her. Then we held hands down the hall to the bathroom downstairs. I had her get in the shower with the hopes of getting rid of the pollen and ragweed in her hair. When she finished, she wrapped her hair in a towel and came into the family room. We laid on the reclining couch together: I supplied her with tissues every few minutes and rubbed her back. We both fell asleep eventually. I woke before her and got a glance of my child. It was as if I was staring at a magnificent star in the sky. When she woke I told her the lack of sleep had made me temporarily cuckoo and apologized again for being such a crab in the night. She forgave me and patted my back. She’s a keeper.

Biking to Tim Horton’s with Mario. I picked up Mario for lunch this week. We had ridden our bikes to school in the morning so that we could ride to Stauf’s for lunch. He sprang the idea of Tim Horron’s on me when I arrived. Tim Horton’s is about a mile or two away and off a fairly busy road so I was hesitant. But when am I going to forego a challenge? We hopped on our bikes and pedaled towards Goodale. We talked about super heroes and Hawaii and any other topic that landed in Mario’s head. The sky could have been out of a Renassaince painting. We reminisced about going to Tim Hotton’s when Mario was in preschool. Parking the stroller in the entrance way and getting timbits. Watching the geese in the parking lot. 

We carbo-loaded on grilled cheese, muffins and timbits. Heaven. Then we biked back to his school – him leading the way – all the while chatting about everything to come into his mind. 

Taking a walk with only Ri on Sunday afternoon. No Rocco or Mario. It’s these times that I can learn about what she’s done in school, her latest crazes, what she wants to do in the Summer. She also makes me laugh with her witty retorts and her observations. Every time I tell her that I’m gonna cherish those moments together because pretty soon she will not want to be around me, she looks at me with amazement. She swears she will always want to hang with me and her dad and Mario. I won’t fight her on that thought; I will just hope it comes true….

Biking to the river! Finally. The bike path is open and both kids can ride bikes on their own for a respectable amount of time. I couldn’t have been happier while I watched Ri and Mario ahead of me on their bikes – pointing out the river and birds to one another. 


Mario was so excited to head to our spot on the river where we throw rocks. He engaged in his usual routine of pointing out oddly shaped rocks to me and trying to pick up the heaviest ones. Ri engaged in her usual routine – finding a way to get wet. She placed herself on a rock off the shore and asked us to lob rocks near her so she could get splashed.


On the way home, I remember the peach stripes pushing through the blue and white of the sky. The kids know how I love my sunsets and before I could point the colors out, they had already turned around to let me know. 

The details of daily life.

Sitting still

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Maria and I hung out this evening while Jon and Mario drove to Marion. Prior to their drive to Marion, we made dinner.  Actually, I should say, Maria made dinner.  She overheard a lady at the salon talking about how she made dinner for her mom starting when she was 6 years old, and that was all it took to get Maria in that mindset. 

She poured pancake mix and water into a bowl.  She filled a bowl full of chocolate chips and tried to mash them.  When that didn’t work, she microwaved them (smart girl).  She added the chocolate into the pancake mix.  I poured them on the griddle and she flipped them.  She also made eggs (she microwaved them).  She got out our plates and syrup.  She nearly did it all!  Another year and I expect chicken parmesan and shrimp scampi….  And the chocolate pancakes were pretty darn good.  I could have stood a few chips in them too but overall they hit the spot.  Mario ate a few but he was too excited about going to Grandma Ionno’s house. 

After dinner, Maria took off with me on her bike.  We stopped at her friend’s house to play in the sprinkler (in her clothes) and by the time we left, it was close to 8:15.  We cranked it home and I pulled out the lawn mower.  I told Maria to grab a book or her markers and come outside while I mowed.  A few minutes later, I saw her on the deck with her water and crazy straw.  She sat on the deck chair watching me without any book or markers.  When I moved to the front, she moved with me sitting on the front step with, still,  just her water and straw.  I kept waiting for her to grab something from inside or complain about being bored but she didn’t.  She just waited for me to finish while sitting patiently and thinking about … well, I have no clue. And that is good.  It was her time to be still and mindful.  And I was so excited to see her be able to do this, and not be begging for the iPad or leapster or even a book. 

Something I have a hard time doing.  

But seeing her renewed my challenge to take that itme to be mindful myself.  Funny how your children look up to you without having any idea how much you learn from them.  And so tonight, I sat at the kitchen table for a whole five minutes before I scanned the computer for the latest news and updates.  Hey, it’s better than nothing!