Tag: Parenting

Mothers Day 2024

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When the kids were little, I would get handmade cards, an afternoon walk, or breakfast in bed for Mom’s Day. I didn’t want anything extravagant. Poems and cards make me happier than diamonds and shoes. Play a board game with me and I really am over the moon.

This year on Mother’s Day, Maria was in New York City with Patty and her cousin. Mario had to mow numerous yards because of the rainy weather during the week. Jon wanted to head out to our place in the country in order to mow. I debated on pampering myself all day with a massage, coffee shop, and gardening. But, Jon and I had not gotten any alone time out at our new place so I thought it would be good to join him for the day. I did require that he allow me to get a run in in the morning before we left. I got 11 miles under my belt, which sucked the entire time I was running it, but felt so good at the end. Happy Mom’s Day to me.

Jon and I had a fabulous time at our place. It started with having to change a flat tire on the John Deere mower. Sounds fun, heh? But it was one of those husband/wife moments where you look back with tenderness. We could not get the bolts aligned properly and Jon was holding the frame up so I could try to adjust. No luck. We moved on to trying to twist the jack to the left to lower the tire but I twisted too hard and the frame pinned Jon‘s hand between it and the tire. I could not twist the jack to make it rise up and Jon eventually had to use his superhuman strength to lift the frame himself and pull his fingers out. In the moment, not comical. After the fact, hilarious. Eventually, the two of us were able to get the tire on the vehicle but only with me laying under Jon’s butt in order to twist the bolts in to the rim. Again, rather funny days later.

I got in a long walk with Rocco. We climbed up the hill behind our house and the sky was magnificent. A soft blue with giant white puffy clouds. The grass was bright green with all of the water feeding it over the past week. We walked through the woods, noticing the different barks of the tall trees and the plants growing along the sides of the path.

I thought of being a mom. I thought about how weird it seemed to me to be called “mom” when I was pregnant with Maria. How was I going to be as a mom? Would I be a good role model? Would I be able to provide worthwhile advice? Later, after I had Mario, the thoughts continued. Would they look back at their childhood and feel like they had fun? Would they feel loved? Would they feel connected to me as their mom? I thought about all of the times the three of us spent together. Taking them to Cincinnati to stay at my mom‘s house for the weekend and putting them in the stroller to head to Blue Ash Park, the bagel shop and the Timbers pool. Trips to grandma Menkedick‘s house and eating at the buffet at the Seasons. Our Sunday morning stroller rides to Tim Hortons and to the river to throw rocks. Heading out to Salesville to ride the horses, gather eggs from the chickens, and take creek hikes. I spent all my time with them when I wasn’t at work. I loved them hard.

And they loved me hard back. They cried when I left for a workout. They embraced me when I arrived home. They acted goofy and random and precious.

Jon and I got home late in the evening. Both kids were home relaxing in their rooms on opposite ends of the house. There was no cake or card sitting on the table waiting for me. I didn’t really care – I was just happy to have them both under our roof, safe and snuggled in their nests.

The next morning I walked downstairs to get my breakfast prepared and head to work. As I turned into the kitchen, I looked at the counter. There was an alter of love waiting for my attention. A stuffed animal turtle, a delicate candle, ceramic plant decor, a picture of them as babes, candy, decorations, and two notes – one from Ri and one from Mario. I smiled as I stepped back to take the scene in before reading the notes. Love filled the space I stood and seeped into my pores as I read their writings to me, their mom.

Releasing the Brakes!

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I listened to We Can Do Hard Things on my run last week. They had on a guest who talked about FUN! I gravitated towards this episode because I struggle with capital fun, FUN. My FUN only seems to be lower case when it pops up in my life.

Glennon Doyle, the host, talked about how hard it is for her to have fun. She has so many other considerations and tasks and worries on her mind that it’s hard to just let loose. She compared herself to her partner, Abby, who is always ready for a good time, and can have fun no matter the time or place. I feel like I could do that a bit in my younger years, but I was still fairly serious even at that age. Alcohol helped loosen me up a bit but my natural demeanor would not have been an Abby FUN by any means. And as I have gotten older, I find that I can be even more serious and certainly do not feel like I regularly have FUN.

The guest described fun as made up of three factors: playfulness, connection, and flow. As I look back at times I’m having fun, I struggle to recall times where all three of these factors were present. Playfulness probably shows up the most for me. Give me a superball and pavement, and I can have an hour of fun bouncing in glee! Connection and flow are problematic. I find it difficult as I get older to establish a strong connection to others. Intimacy is not my strong suit – either in friendships or romantic relationships. And as I get older, I think I expect or want even greater connection. However, I am realizing that any lack of connection is in large part due to me. And then there is flow. I think about my softball days, and being so in the moment as I pitched to the girl at the plate. I remember my road races where I had complete concentration on my legs pulling me through to the finish line. I don’t know where my flow would come from at this point in life. I don’t play any instruments, I don’t play competitive sports, I don’t engage in any creative outlet. But as my mom pointed out, I need to step back and widen my eyes to what I consider “creative” or “competitive.” I go to the gym every week and create my own workouts. I started my own exercise group and got hundreds of members. I point out things to my kids that they may not see. I give them advice and help them see themselves more clearly. I walk in nature and give witness to the budding leaves and the white blossoms of the mayapple.

The guest went on to talk about another barrier to full FUN. She hit the nail on the head for me with this one. She described it as having your gas pedal fully on fun, but the brake pedal being on full throttle as well. For me, I can be sitting with my friends, drinking wine and eating good food but there is something going on that is stopping me from having full FUN. It could be me thinking about something with the kids that has been bothering me, a project at work that I have to get done, a faux pas I made with a colleague….you name it.

Glennon revealed that she has the same issue. She feels like there are so many problematic things happening in the world and so what right does she have to have fun? After some back and forth with the guest, Glennon turned her thinking around and understood that she needed to have fun in order to give her a reason to fight for all of the problematic things going on in the world. She naturally worries – about her kids, climate change, the state of world affairs – and why care about those things if you’re not having fun in this life and want to continue with that fun. Makes sense.

The other night, both kids were in the kitchen with me. I asked if they wanted to play a game of cards, and got a negative response from both of them (again, trying to create fun). We finished eating some snacks; Mario stood up next to Maria and put her in a headlock. They started play wrestling and jabbing each other. Maria stood against the door frame and Mario stopped poking at her. Mario looked above her head and said “you need to measure me!” Maria and I laughed at his random request, and the laughter continued as Maria ribbed him about his hair giving him another 5 inches of height. Maria drew a pencil mark above Mario‘s head and Mario turned around complaining she didn’t get it right because it wasn’t high enough. Maria made a quip and they began teasing each other again, and laughing. Their playfulness with each other made me laugh and we all started teasing one another and laughing. I realized a beautiful insight minutes later. I had just been in the moment experiencing FUN without any brakes slowing me down. Note to self: keep doing this.

Delights

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We booked a trip to the Governor’s Ball in NYC months ago as a graduation gift for our daughters. Girl in Red was scheduled to perform – Maria loves her. Lizzo was also scheduled and I love her:) When we booked the flights (non-refundable) we nervously kidded about the fact that one of us would get Covid or be so run down from the graduation festivities that we’d not be able to go. At that time, we could’ve never imagined that wildfires from Canada would interfere with our trip. Covid may have sparked a new normal in our lifetime. Random environmental and biological events popping up in our lives and causing havoc to our daily lives.

We were scheduled to leave on Thursday early afternoon. The concert started on Friday. On Wednesday morning, the moms began a mad text chain with concerns about the festival canceling and the state of the city with all of the smoke. By that afternoon, we received pictures of a dark orange/grey sky in NYC. It looked ominous. By that evening, we switched our flights from Thursday to Friday morning. Then, to add to the fun, Maria started to feel sick. She had gone to Sheetz with some friends on Tuesday night and plowed through some Mac and Cheese bites. She thought this was definitely the cause of her stomach ache Wednesday. However, as the day continued, she felt worse and worse. We were hoping she would get over it in 24 hours but on Thursday morning, she felt twice as bad. As the day progressed, we decided that we should take her to the doctor on Friday morning and move our flight yet again to Friday evening. It was a royal pain to continue to change our flights because with each flight change, I had to wait for an agent and then spend time with that agent haggling over new flight times and charges. When I wasn’t spending my time doing that, I was busy researching how to sell our festival tickets for Friday since we were not going to make it. We paid a nice chunk of cash for those tickets, and it made me sick to not be able to use them. 

We got up and went to the doctor on Friday morning. The doc diagnosed her with a stomach bug, and prescribed heavy duty nausea medicine. Sticking with the theme of everything being a pain in the ass, the doctor prescribed the medicine to the wrong store. I had to go around and around with the doctors office and the wrong store and correct store to get the medicine. Eventually, two hours later, I went to pick it up. I am mediately inserted the tiny pill in Maria’s hand to take. About an hour later, Ri was starting to feel a little bit better. I looked at flight times and found that there was one at 3:30 pm in addition to our 6:30 PM flight. It was 1:15 PM. I called Maria to see if she wanted to try to change our flight and go out earlier so we could at least see Lizzo in concert. She knew how much I wanted to see her, and she was game. My girl. I spent a mere 20 minutes on the phone with the ticket agent to change our tickets up (a good sign), and Jon sped us to the airport.

We arrived in New York City at 6 PM. We jumped on the train to hit Penn Station and delivered our bags to the hotel. We left the hotel at 7 pm; I was nervous about getting to the festival on time. Maria kept assuring me that we would be there by the time Lizzo hit the stage. Of course, we were, thanks to Ri’s insanely prolific navigational skills. She knew the right subway to take and where to get off. My girl could totally crank out New York City on her own. 

Before Lizzo came on, I made Maria go to the M & M stand with me to get free M&Ms. Heaven! As we were leaving, it poured down rain for about 10 minutes. We happened to be in the middle of the park with no shelter, and got drenched. Maria received a call from her two girlfriends informing her they were in the GA+ area. We made a mad dash over to that area, and we’re happy to see that they were passing out ponchos.  We found Maria’s friends and their moms, and we all embraced in delight! We had finally made it!

Lizzo did not disappoint. She had a great opening about believing in yourself and being proud of who you are and standing up for what you believe in. She rocked the stage and Maggie and I jammed to her. Maria and Henley enjoyed it but Maggie was definitely the biggest fan. I love that these girls all love to see each other happy. Maria and Henley enjoyed Lizzo so much because they loved to see Maggie belting out the tunes and hopping up and down. They really truly love one another, and it is heartwarming to witness. When the show ended, we walked out with the masses to the subway station. We got lucky, and it was not too crowded on the subway. When we arrived at the hotel, we went into our separate rooms, and the moms at least, fell fast asleep. Day 1-check!

Saturday morning brought avocado toast, and omelettes. We went to a cute café Maria found down the street from our hotel. After breakfast, we traveled over to Roosevelt Island. You have to take a tram to get onto the island. It was not as scary as I thought, and provided good views along the way. The moms liked Roosevelt Island more than the girls. However, they did not complain, and took in the sights with smiles on their faces.  The Island housed an insane asylum and a small pox hospital – yikes! It also had a lighthouse and statutes in tribute to Nellie Bly- the first woman investigative journalist who reported on marginalized groups and fought for their better treatment. But the coolest site was a statute of Maria’s nickname – RI!



After the island, the moms and the girls split up, because Henley was going to Soho to visit her roommate, and wanted only Maggie and Maria to tag along. The moms split up – Kim went to visit her parents who were in town, Melanie went shopping, and I went to walk around Central Park.  I got to see street performers – my favorite! We all met up to get ready for dinner and our Broadway show. I did not connect with Maria until we began our walk to dinner. She did not look good. She confirmed that she also did not feel good. She tried to hang in there and made the walk to the restaurant with us. Once we got there, she looked even worse. I knew she was definitely sick when they brought a menu of pasta and bruschetta, and she stated that she could not eat anything. I ended up walking her back to the hotel so that she could rest and hopefully be ready to go for Sunday’s events. I felt so bad for her. However, I did know that she had no desire to go to the Broadway show, and was probably relieved that she got to miss out on that one:)  Little did she know that the Broadway show was actually going to be very good (it was Six). Both of the girls enjoyed it and the moms loved it. It was short and full of upbeat music and dancing. Like Lizzo, it was all about girl empowerment and telling your own story. 

After the show, we stopped to get waffles and ice cream in Bryant Park. Pretty heavenly. We checked on Maria when we got back to the hotel and she was feeling much better. The full day of walking after being sick for three days was probably not a good idea…. But, she certainly rebounded for Sunday. My girl is a lot like her father. If she goes and goes, she needs some downtime to recharge and then can easily pick up where she left off.

I woke up early on Sunday to take a run in Central Park. Holy cow. Little did I know how many miles it took to run around Central Park! I kept thinking that I was near the end and then it would just continue. I told myself I would not stop running until I got to the end but it took some serious discussions with that inner devil in me saying “Stop This Nonsense!” It helped to listen to the show tunes from Six, and to see other runners struggling to continue. I finally saw the entrance to the Park, and was relieved and proud of myself for making it. We all met at the breakfast buffet (I got my cups of Fruit Loops and granola for the road) at the hotel and then took off by 9:45 AM to hit the Highline. It is an old railroad track that has been converted as a walkway through Chelsea. There are plants and flowers on either side of the walkway and cool murals to see. I enjoyed walking a good part of it with Maria. We chatted about Jon, Pitt, random things. It is so easy to travel with that girl, and I felt extreme delight in simply strolling along the walkway with this human. We stopped at the Chelsea market, got some water, and looked through a bookstore. We went straight from Chelsea to the festival. I kept a close eye on Maria, and she seemed to be doing well. The long night of sleep certainly helped. 

On our way to the festival, the moms talked about a podcast that we had listened to with Ross Gay and Glennon Doyle about finding delight in your day. Doyle talked about being delighted that she made a TSA agent laugh who she never dreamed would show such emotion. Ross Gay talked about the delight in wearing a red shirt that his dad may have found ridiculous. When I saw Maria standing near the stage talking to other teen girls waiting for Girl in Red to come out, I felt delight. Here was my baby girl branching out and meeting new people at the festival, and so excited to see a performer she loves. I thought about her going to Pitt, and all of the new people she would meet there. She is open and curious and easily able to make conversation. She loves to have a good time. She jumped and sang and waved her hands throughout the performance. She got to hold Girl in Red as she body surfed through the crowd. She’s also so generous and thoughtful. She found one of Girl in Red’s pics after the show. Maggie kept looking and looking on the ground for another and was downtrodden when she couldn’t find one. As we walked away, Maria took the pic and put it in Maggie’s hand. Maggie refused to take it, but Maria made her because it was her 18th birthday present. She makes my heart happy. She brings so much love to the room and cherishes her relationships with best friends and family. We ended the night with Kendrick Lamar who Henley was dying to see. Maria was surprised to like his music. She was in rare form at the end of the festival – she definitely got her groove back! She took her friends out on the town when we got back to the hotel. They got late night pizza and tooled around while the moms – tired and sore – went to bed. I left the next morning, but Maria got to stay for an extra day with her friends and one of the moms. It was her friend’s 18th birthday, and they went shopping and ate bunches of good food.

Oh, and one little other thing, Maria got a tattoo! Maria gets really hyped up and so happy in certain situations. She got the tattoo because she wanted to remember the trip.  She was thoughtful enough to get it on the top of her bicep so that she could wear a business casual top and have it covered. But she was also wild enough to get the tattoo in the first place. She told me that she didn’t think twice about it when she saw the tattoo parlor. She was with her best girlfriends, she was happy, and she wanted to memorialize it. I would’ve spent three hours, weighing the pros and cons of getting a tattoo. But not my girl, she just does it. There is something to be said for that personality trait. It may get her into some trouble here and there, but she will certainly be able to say that she took a wild ride in this lifetime. Delight.

Zonta winner!

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A few months ago, Maria mentioned over dinner that she had to attend a leadership conference for a couple of hours during the upcoming weekend. Jon and I asked who the sponsor was of the conference, and how she got invited. She informed us that she had been chosen by her high school to  participate in the program, and thereby be eligible for a scholarship. Neither I not Jon had heard of the organization before but trusted it was valid since the school nominated her.

Maria returned home from the event that Saturday, and told us nonchalantly that it went well. She said she got to meet some other senior girls and enjoyed talking to a couple of them:) She also informed us that she did not believe that she would receive any scholarship because the other girls she met had done things ranging from creating their own business to already attending pilot school at the age of 17.  We responded that we thought she was awesome and that was all that mattered, and we all went about our business.

A few weeks after the weekend event, she told Jon and I that we had to attend a banquet with her to honor the 12 girls from Central Ohio who had been selected for the scholarship. The banquet was this past Sunday. We all got dressed up (an easy task for Maria but not for me and Jon!), and hit the road to a country club up north. We were greeted by two women at a table who asked for Maria’s name. They gave us name tags and we situated ourselves at a round table near the podium. Jon and I proceeded to get some finger foods while Maria held court at the table talking to one of the Zonta leaders. She was so worried about me and John acting appropriately. When we arrived back with her finger food, she immediately gave me a napkin. Assuming I will get the food all over me.

Ten of the twelve girls made it to the event with their parents or guardians. Each girl got a few minutes to go to the podium and make remarks after being introduced by a Zonta Representative. Zonta International is an organization promoting women in several areas of study. For this event, Zonta honored young women who were advancing in the field of public service. At the end of the event, Zonta would offer the Young Women in Public Affairs (YWPA) Award, which recognizes young women for demonstrating leadership skills and commitment to public service and civic causes, and encourages them to continue their participation in public and political life.

The first young woman got introduced and spoke about participating in 4H. Another young woman talked about how she believed in providing healthy food for other kids at school and started her own healthy vending machine. Another girl talked about being a sexual abuse survivor and assisting other survivors.  some read from notes, others winged it. When it was her turn, Maria approached the podium.   Neither Jon nor I knew what she would talk about because she wanted it to be a surprise. She spoke about her experience in federal court, and witnessing a young man being detained in front of his children. She talked about how we needed to change our laws and societal norms so that they were not directly and indirectly harming the underprivileged. She dazzled me. Jon gave me a side look of pride.

After all of the girls spoke, the president of the Columbus chapter informed us that they had three awards to give out. First second and third place. Maria made sure that Jon and I understood that she was not going to get an award or if she did, it would be third. They started out with third place – i gave that motherly look to Maria wherein she knew I would be proud of her no matter what. Maria’s name was not called. I started to think about what I could tell her if she did not win an award. Second place place was announced – not her. I continued to think through words of wisdom I could provide her after the event was over. Then, the president announced the first place winner…. Maria Ionno! What the holy heck! Jon had a tear in his eye that Maria immediately noticed, and couldn’t believe. I had tears down my face as I watched her go up to accept her award (she knows me and my crying so it did not affect her).

Our girl has put so much time and effort into service activities. And it is not as though she does it to get credit or to try to win money; rather, she does it because she really believes in the causes and in our duty to support people in her community. This is what makes it all the more incredible. She was just as taken aback as we were when her name was announced. Afterwards, a few Zonta leaders approached me to tell me how impressed they were with Maria. It never surprises me to receive this feedback because she is amazing and kind and smart and genuine. She makes an impact on people as soon as she meets them. It is such a gift.

She got pictures taken with the other girls and grabbed a cookie before we left. As soon as we got in the car, she called the grandparents to relay the good news. They all sang out in joy for her, and got a kick out of Jon’s teary eye.

And now, she is off to represent central Ohio in the national competition. No matter what the result, we know we hit the jackpot with this girl!

The week’s highlights!

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Mario got selected to dress for the varsity basketball tournament last Wednesday. He got his name shouted out at the beginning of the game by the sweet basketball announcer (Jon) and although he did not get to play in the game, it had to be fun for him to sit on the bench with the kids. And his team won so they got back in the tournament on Saturday. They ended up with a last second loss but he’s got a Varsity letter under his belt!

Maria Grace got into the honors college at Pitt! All of the hard work that she has engaged in over the last two years has paid off. She was so excited to make the decision a few weeks ago to commit to Pitt so this was icing on the cake. Now, she should have a great chance of getting into a dorm that has AC! A must!

Mario has been kicking it in school this quarter. We had to course correct after the 2nd quarter grades came out (can we say “hair on fire”). He and I now review his classes for the day, and any work due the following day. We also work on projects he has due. He gets most frustrated with me over English work but we always end up in a fine place afterwards! I love spending time with him even if it sometimes veers to irritation. He got a 97 on his Bio test this week!

Maria got accolades from over 15 adults in Grandview after presenting to them about continued funding for her Robotics team. People texted me and Jon continuously after she presented raving about her presentation skills. One woman was amazed at how cool she was in front of older white men discussing “period boxes” which contain tampons and sanitary napkins for women in need. My girl!

Be kind to yourself

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I found this photo on my Instagram feed, and I immediately copy and pasted it. It serves as a reminder to me on the days that I am beating myself up to cut myself a little break. I have a tendency to think I am not doing enough (don’t we all in some manner) – I am not putting enough energy into the kids; I am not doing as well at work as I should; I am not spending enough time with my hubby; I am not learning how to cook better! You name it, and it seems that I have someway to dog on myself about it.

I turned that thinking around today. I had a majority of the day to spend with Mario because Maria is in Chicago and Jon went to visit his cousin. I knew I would be hard-pressed to spend much time with Mario since he stayed up late with his friends (which meant he would want a long nap), and he had to babysit in the evening. I spent a good amount of time yesterday trying to research what he and I could do together. Go rollerskating? Go shopping? Watch a movie? Take a hike? All of my ideas were met with a huge sigh as well as a firm “no thanks.” I could have just demanded that we were doing a certain activity; however, he is a teenager. I don’t want the entire time I spend with him to be him sulking, and it would be pleasant for both of us if he somewhat enjoyed whatever activity we chose. The problem is, all of the activities he would choose I can’t stand, and vice versa. No matter what, I knew that I needed to spend some of the day working on him with his homework, and making him complete his chores (that somehow always get forgotten by Sunday night).  Long story short, there was no day out at the movies or mother/son shopping. Rather, Jon and I and Mario played a few rounds of Mexican dominoes together and talked about his night out with friends. Then Jon left and Mario and I sat at the kitchen table spending time on his homework. After studying for biology and geometry, and taking a Spanish quizlet, he asked if he could go up and take a nap. I agreed. Before his nap, he asked if I could make him some lunch. He wanted a meatball sandwich, but we did not have any sub bread. He threw a bit of a hissy fit and stomped upstairs, but then came back down about two minutes later. I asked if he wanted me to make him pasta and meatballs instead. He nodded yes and gave me a hug before heading back upstairs. Those are the moments that I hold tight. We both cut each other a break and withheld from yelling or being pissy towards one another. We gave each other grace. 

I look back on our time together today, and I was present in the moment. We did not engage in any activity that was super spectacular, but I let myself enjoy the time we had together.  And I gave myself some love for simply being in the house and available to him.  During the day or evening, he straddles downstairs and grabs a water or just comes down to say hi. He doesn’t sit with me and tell me his life story or give me any major insights into his world, and I don’t do anything spectacular for him. I think it just is comforting to have your parent around. 

In the past, I would not have been as thoughtful about being in the present moment. I would have been sitting at the table playing dominoes, and wondering what else I could do with Mario. Or I would be fretting that I am only playing a few games of dominoes and we should be doing something more. it has been a process to let that thinking go and to just absorb the moment. Watch him as he studies his tiles and determines which one to lay down. Laugh with him when Jon cracks one of his spectacular jokes. Look at this beautiful creature that Jon and I created, and all of the magnificent energy he exudes. 

I had a similar experience with Maria when we went to Europe. We went to a café to have lunch. It had a fabulous atmosphere for a cozy, one on one conversation. When we sat down, my mind raced to a scenario whereby Ri and I were engaged in an intimate, deep conversation about her life, her experiences, her future. When she asked if I wanted to play a game of contexto while we waited for her food, and then proceeded to talk with me about how funny dad is on his moped, I initially thought of a way to steer the conversation to something I felt would be deeper and more meaningful. But I caught myself, and I remained present in the moment with her. Enjoying the time in the manner she wanted to spend it.  Listening to her talk about her dad, and witnessing the love she has for him. Being amazed at her ability to navigate college life already by parking on campus and getting to her class on time. Feeling proud of how hard she works on social justice issues.

This self compassion work not only helps me feel better about myself, but it opens my mind to witness more in those people around me who I love. Thanks for the reminder, Kristen Neff.

Be happy with this moment

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My latest quote obsession. How I embodied it this week:

1. Watching Maria as lead attorney at her Mock Trial at the courthouse. She defended a student arrested after tampering with eggs for the school breakfast. The girl is a natural trial attorney. She grilled the witnesses on cross examination (and even got recognized by the Judge). She used inflection in her voice while giving the closing. She’s a natural. The judge awarded her “Most Outstanding Attorney.”

2. Playing Mexican Dominoes with Mario and hanging out in the kitchen with him and Jon. We spent nearly 3 hours, cleaning the kitchen and playing Mexican dominoes this afternoon. He was forced to hang with us because this was part of a consequence he earned, but he didn’t complain too much and we all had a really good time together. I kept trying to ask him questions he did not want to answer like what major he’d choose in college or what he likes most about himself. Jon knew he did not want to answer so Jon rang a little buzzer to alert him he didn’t need to answer. It was quite hilarious. Jon was able to get Mario talking a bit more than I was , and by the end, we learned a few more facts than we had known.

3. Watching Mario play basketball. Damn, he and his teammates are fun to watch! The game is so much more physical in high school, and Mario plays tough.

4. Watching Maria give tours at the new high school. Girlfriend was chosen to give a speech at the ribbon cutting, and lead one of the tours of the school. She has certainly positioned herself as a leader at that place, and ingratiated herself amongst her teachers.

5. Making food for the kids. I will be the first to admit, and the kids will be the first to inform me, that my cooking is not premier. It, frankly, is not even that good. But I can crank out microwavable foods and do a few things on the stove. The kids have learned to live with that. So, when either of them asks me to make them breakfast or lunch, I do it in a heartbeat. Mario asks much more than Maria. There is something about making their food that brings me joy. It is a way to take care of them now that they are so independent.

6. Watching the kids interact together. There is no greater joy that I can get than seeing the two of them talking together or goofing off together. Thank God Maria is the older sibling, and is a natural nurturer. Mario doesn’t know how good he has it. And Mario is good about loosening Maria up at times she needs it!



Resolutions

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My mom and I have routinely huddled up at the end of each year or the beginning of each new year to discuss what our New Year’s resolutions will be. Some years are better than others in achieving them. Last year, I resolved to stretch more after my exercise routine because I was dealing with some sore hamstrings and hips. I did a decent job of achieving that goal. I also resolved to stop snacking so much at night. I could not put a checkmark of achievement next to that goal….

This year, Mario has inadvertently assisted me in crafting my resolutions. Now that he has moved up to the attic, we do not get a glimpse into how much he is studying versus playing on his computer. With Maria, there was never any doubt that when she was down in her basement bedroom, she was studying. She, of course, is an anomaly of a teenager. She wants nothing more than to overly achieve in school – sometimes to the point of it being a stressor and riddling her with anxiety. For her, our goal is to remind her that she also needs to enjoy her life and put some of her focus on play time. We have always known that Mario has a different set of  a goals and ideals than Maria. Mario is more like your typical boy teenager – he wants to have fun in school, get in as many study halls as possible, hang with friends, and goof off. A good day to him does not center around getting 100% on a math test; rather, it centers around getting together with some of his friends and watching a funny video or packing in a car and heading to Chipotle for lunch.

The first quarter of school he came home with all Bs and As. We knew he did not try that hard (he admitted as much) so we told him that for the second quarter, he needed to set a goal for two more As. He agreed that he would do so.

Now, this is where Jon and I dropped the ball. We know Mario – we know that playing a video game with friends will always trump doing homework, even if he knows that that is what he should be doing. It is too hard for him to say no. This is where we as parents need to step in to establish boundaries on video playing time and homework time. We did not do that, but rather assumed that he was able to make those choices on his own based on his desire to do better. All quarter long, he affirmed he was doing what he needed to be doing, and should end up with As and B’s. So, when I went online a week ago and saw his grades for second quarter, I was taken aback. Not only has he fell in the number of As but he even had a couple of C+s.

After sternly talking with him about his grades and my concern that he was not putting effort into school, I sat back to look at my own behavior. We have known that Mario is a different kid than Maria. He is not driven to excel in school. He has enjoyed high school this year because of the freedom it gives him and because he made friends early on with juniors and seniors so he gets shout outs from them throughout the day. Learning is ancillary to the social scene.

It was just so much easier to assume that he was studying up in his room then to take the time each evening to try to review all of his subjects with him. The funny thing is that I am constantly looking for ways to do more with him and this was staring down my face. Not exactly a riotous good time for either of us – but time, nonetheless.

I also realized that I needed to have a longer conversation with him about why he put so little effort into his work the second quarter. I have been trying to implement some of the learnings I get from all my podcasts and I had just listened to We Can do Hard Things where Dr. Becky Kennedy spoke about good kids doing bad things and getting deeper into why the kid felt like he needed to take the particular bad action.

I spoke to my mom that evening and told her about Mario’s grades, as well as my New Year’s resolution to take time every night to review his classes. She thought it was a worthy resolution, and one I should have probably implemented a year ago for 2022. Yea, well, better late than never.



Kid cures

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I have been sick the past few days with some sinus funk. Just enough to make me feel crappy but not so much that I have to be bed-ridden all day. My kids and Jon want nothing to do with me because they don’t want to get sick – of course, the first thought with these types of symptoms is that I have Covid. Once I took the test and was negative, however, they still wanted to keep their distance. Jon has allowed me to sit in the same room as him – as long as we are a good distance apart – in order to watch a couple of shows together. My mom and I still talk in the evenings, which I appreciate in order to connect with another human. But I miss playing a game with the kids or taking a walk with friends.

I woke up this morning hoping to feel better but I still felt crappy. Maria, being the sweetheart that she is, agreed to play gin rummy with me as long as I sat 6 feet from her across the table. I begged her to allow me to take a walk with her and the pup but being the mother hen that she is, she refused. Just as she was getting ready to walk out with Rocco, Jon walked in with Mario who he had picked up from a sleepover. Mario asked where Maria was going, and I told him he should go with her. Surprisingly, he agreed to do so.

I think it’s been a year since the two of them walked together. I lit up with excitement. They looked at me like they always do when I get excited about something so mundane. They shake their heads as I put the collar on Rocco and energetically ask him if he’s excited to walk with them both. They sigh as I tell them to turn around so I can get a picture of them before they take off. I stare out the window as they stroll down the sidewalk with Rocco pulling on his leash. The thought of my babes walking together comforted me through the day.

Later in the day, my dad messaged our Adventure Team to see if we wanted to play cards. We jumped on a call within minutes but rather than start with cards, we engaged in funny faces and bouncy ball antics and trampoline jumping in order to entertain my brother’s daughter. He had been watching her through the day while his girlfriend worked, and informed us that Aliz had been wanting to see “her people”. This is the term she gives to our Menkedick clan. We all try to get in a few words about how our week has gone between blowing raspberries at Aliz and listening to Elena beg for us to watch her do a trick. It really is a crazy scene for anyone from the outside watching in but somehow it feels completely normal while we’re in it. It’s these times together that boost me up for the day. While they didn’t cure me of my sickness, they did make me forget about my aches for a while, and they lifted off the heaviness of the sinus funk. I mean, really, how can I feel crappy when I’m watching a munch ball Swedish toddler laugh heartily at my niece showing her dolls off, and my daughter rolling a super ball off her head?!

Be Have Do

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I found a new podcast, 70 Over 70. I listened to Barney Frank the other day. I loved the saying that he wanted on his epitaph “The Gentleman’s Time Has Expired.”

I listened to Judith Light’s interview after Mr. Frank’s. I recalled her from one of the 80’s sitcoms I watched but I can’t recall which one it was. The description of her interview was what enticed me: “Be. Do. Have.” Anymore, any type of spiritual, philosophical title captures me.

I listened to the interview while walking Rocco in Tarpy early in the morning when there was no one else in the woods with me. Tiny snowflakes blew through the air and a dusting of snow laid on the path up the hill to the clearing where Rocco runs free enjoying all the scents amidst him. The interviewer started the podcast telling Judith Light that he has two kids, and is constantly worried about messing them up; seeing them at age 18 chatting with friends about how f’d up they are because of something he did to them that he did not even realize they absorbed. Light reacts by stating “You will fuck them up, that is the human condition!” But she consoles the interviewer telling him it is ok because life is messy and he is trying his best. You just need to be in the present, and not throw your energy in worry about the future. It helps to look at your kids as beings that have come into your life to enable you to learn just as much as you are enabling them to learn.

She then discussed starting her career thinking that she had done everything right to get her to a place where she would be offered feature films and broadway plays – not sitcoms. She was above those. She had done, done, done, going to acting school and Carnegie Mellon and getting her degree. She deserved the best and wanted it now! But that was a skewed outlook.

She needed to figure out who she wanted to be and then the doing would come from that framework. She asked herself “how am I going to be today – not what I will do.” We tend to think if we do enough stuff, read enough books, then we will have or be something more. But that is not true. You need to start from your being. Breathe. Be with you first. If you “be” first, you will have a different framework. Be curious and embrace the mess. Be grateful for another day. Make friends with the not knowing. Be conscious and aware that you are choosing to be. The getting and wanting will come – but it will come from a different place. It’s the “be-do-have” mindset- not the “do-have-be” mindset.

I loved that. I thought of the scores of podcasts and books I have tried out over the year with the hope that in doing this work, I would learn to be. But no matter how many experts I listened to and how many words I read, I still didn’t feel like I was getting what I needed. After listening to the interview, it hit me that maybe I am “doing” too much, and just need to ask myself “how am I going to be today?”

So I did.

On Sunday, I made a conscious choice to “be” a present mom, an engaged wife, supportive of others. Making that choice of “Being” naturally brought on the doing. I made Mario a hearty breakfast before he went snowboarding. I folded the laundry. I bought groceries to make dinners through the week. I listened to Maria talk to me about Model UN. I gave praise to Jon for his delicious pork chops. I read my book, and called my mom. I cleaned the kitchen floor. I loved, and comforted, and helped, and listened, and fed. It felt good, and soul-satisfying. And I promised myself at the end of the evening that I would wake up the next morning and continue to be conscious of “being.”

Of course, the next day was Monday so all that conscious desire was squashed by Monday work and school madness. Actually, not true. My girlfriend called while I was getting ready to walk and read my book, and she needed someone to talk to about her dad. He had received a concerning diagnosis. I put down my book and talked with her. I comforted her. I think she felt better after our conversation. I made Mario a pb&j before basketball. I picked up Ri’s room since she had a huge exam to study for and was at school from 7 am to 7 pm. I snuggled with Rocco on the family room floor while stretching out my back. “Be, Have, Do.”