Tag: we can do hard things

Releasing the Brakes!

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I listened to We Can Do Hard Things on my run last week. They had on a guest who talked about FUN! I gravitated towards this episode because I struggle with capital fun, FUN. My FUN only seems to be lower case when it pops up in my life.

Glennon Doyle, the host, talked about how hard it is for her to have fun. She has so many other considerations and tasks and worries on her mind that it’s hard to just let loose. She compared herself to her partner, Abby, who is always ready for a good time, and can have fun no matter the time or place. I feel like I could do that a bit in my younger years, but I was still fairly serious even at that age. Alcohol helped loosen me up a bit but my natural demeanor would not have been an Abby FUN by any means. And as I have gotten older, I find that I can be even more serious and certainly do not feel like I regularly have FUN.

The guest described fun as made up of three factors: playfulness, connection, and flow. As I look back at times I’m having fun, I struggle to recall times where all three of these factors were present. Playfulness probably shows up the most for me. Give me a superball and pavement, and I can have an hour of fun bouncing in glee! Connection and flow are problematic. I find it difficult as I get older to establish a strong connection to others. Intimacy is not my strong suit – either in friendships or romantic relationships. And as I get older, I think I expect or want even greater connection. However, I am realizing that any lack of connection is in large part due to me. And then there is flow. I think about my softball days, and being so in the moment as I pitched to the girl at the plate. I remember my road races where I had complete concentration on my legs pulling me through to the finish line. I don’t know where my flow would come from at this point in life. I don’t play any instruments, I don’t play competitive sports, I don’t engage in any creative outlet. But as my mom pointed out, I need to step back and widen my eyes to what I consider “creative” or “competitive.” I go to the gym every week and create my own workouts. I started my own exercise group and got hundreds of members. I point out things to my kids that they may not see. I give them advice and help them see themselves more clearly. I walk in nature and give witness to the budding leaves and the white blossoms of the mayapple.

The guest went on to talk about another barrier to full FUN. She hit the nail on the head for me with this one. She described it as having your gas pedal fully on fun, but the brake pedal being on full throttle as well. For me, I can be sitting with my friends, drinking wine and eating good food but there is something going on that is stopping me from having full FUN. It could be me thinking about something with the kids that has been bothering me, a project at work that I have to get done, a faux pas I made with a colleague….you name it.

Glennon revealed that she has the same issue. She feels like there are so many problematic things happening in the world and so what right does she have to have fun? After some back and forth with the guest, Glennon turned her thinking around and understood that she needed to have fun in order to give her a reason to fight for all of the problematic things going on in the world. She naturally worries – about her kids, climate change, the state of world affairs – and why care about those things if you’re not having fun in this life and want to continue with that fun. Makes sense.

The other night, both kids were in the kitchen with me. I asked if they wanted to play a game of cards, and got a negative response from both of them (again, trying to create fun). We finished eating some snacks; Mario stood up next to Maria and put her in a headlock. They started play wrestling and jabbing each other. Maria stood against the door frame and Mario stopped poking at her. Mario looked above her head and said “you need to measure me!” Maria and I laughed at his random request, and the laughter continued as Maria ribbed him about his hair giving him another 5 inches of height. Maria drew a pencil mark above Mario‘s head and Mario turned around complaining she didn’t get it right because it wasn’t high enough. Maria made a quip and they began teasing each other again, and laughing. Their playfulness with each other made me laugh and we all started teasing one another and laughing. I realized a beautiful insight minutes later. I had just been in the moment experiencing FUN without any brakes slowing me down. Note to self: keep doing this.

Resolutions

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My mom and I have routinely huddled up at the end of each year or the beginning of each new year to discuss what our New Year’s resolutions will be. Some years are better than others in achieving them. Last year, I resolved to stretch more after my exercise routine because I was dealing with some sore hamstrings and hips. I did a decent job of achieving that goal. I also resolved to stop snacking so much at night. I could not put a checkmark of achievement next to that goal….

This year, Mario has inadvertently assisted me in crafting my resolutions. Now that he has moved up to the attic, we do not get a glimpse into how much he is studying versus playing on his computer. With Maria, there was never any doubt that when she was down in her basement bedroom, she was studying. She, of course, is an anomaly of a teenager. She wants nothing more than to overly achieve in school – sometimes to the point of it being a stressor and riddling her with anxiety. For her, our goal is to remind her that she also needs to enjoy her life and put some of her focus on play time. We have always known that Mario has a different set of  a goals and ideals than Maria. Mario is more like your typical boy teenager – he wants to have fun in school, get in as many study halls as possible, hang with friends, and goof off. A good day to him does not center around getting 100% on a math test; rather, it centers around getting together with some of his friends and watching a funny video or packing in a car and heading to Chipotle for lunch.

The first quarter of school he came home with all Bs and As. We knew he did not try that hard (he admitted as much) so we told him that for the second quarter, he needed to set a goal for two more As. He agreed that he would do so.

Now, this is where Jon and I dropped the ball. We know Mario – we know that playing a video game with friends will always trump doing homework, even if he knows that that is what he should be doing. It is too hard for him to say no. This is where we as parents need to step in to establish boundaries on video playing time and homework time. We did not do that, but rather assumed that he was able to make those choices on his own based on his desire to do better. All quarter long, he affirmed he was doing what he needed to be doing, and should end up with As and B’s. So, when I went online a week ago and saw his grades for second quarter, I was taken aback. Not only has he fell in the number of As but he even had a couple of C+s.

After sternly talking with him about his grades and my concern that he was not putting effort into school, I sat back to look at my own behavior. We have known that Mario is a different kid than Maria. He is not driven to excel in school. He has enjoyed high school this year because of the freedom it gives him and because he made friends early on with juniors and seniors so he gets shout outs from them throughout the day. Learning is ancillary to the social scene.

It was just so much easier to assume that he was studying up in his room then to take the time each evening to try to review all of his subjects with him. The funny thing is that I am constantly looking for ways to do more with him and this was staring down my face. Not exactly a riotous good time for either of us – but time, nonetheless.

I also realized that I needed to have a longer conversation with him about why he put so little effort into his work the second quarter. I have been trying to implement some of the learnings I get from all my podcasts and I had just listened to We Can do Hard Things where Dr. Becky Kennedy spoke about good kids doing bad things and getting deeper into why the kid felt like he needed to take the particular bad action.

I spoke to my mom that evening and told her about Mario’s grades, as well as my New Year’s resolution to take time every night to review his classes. She thought it was a worthy resolution, and one I should have probably implemented a year ago for 2022. Yea, well, better late than never.