Tag: Motherhood

Releasing the Brakes!

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I listened to We Can Do Hard Things on my run last week. They had on a guest who talked about FUN! I gravitated towards this episode because I struggle with capital fun, FUN. My FUN only seems to be lower case when it pops up in my life.

Glennon Doyle, the host, talked about how hard it is for her to have fun. She has so many other considerations and tasks and worries on her mind that it’s hard to just let loose. She compared herself to her partner, Abby, who is always ready for a good time, and can have fun no matter the time or place. I feel like I could do that a bit in my younger years, but I was still fairly serious even at that age. Alcohol helped loosen me up a bit but my natural demeanor would not have been an Abby FUN by any means. And as I have gotten older, I find that I can be even more serious and certainly do not feel like I regularly have FUN.

The guest described fun as made up of three factors: playfulness, connection, and flow. As I look back at times I’m having fun, I struggle to recall times where all three of these factors were present. Playfulness probably shows up the most for me. Give me a superball and pavement, and I can have an hour of fun bouncing in glee! Connection and flow are problematic. I find it difficult as I get older to establish a strong connection to others. Intimacy is not my strong suit – either in friendships or romantic relationships. And as I get older, I think I expect or want even greater connection. However, I am realizing that any lack of connection is in large part due to me. And then there is flow. I think about my softball days, and being so in the moment as I pitched to the girl at the plate. I remember my road races where I had complete concentration on my legs pulling me through to the finish line. I don’t know where my flow would come from at this point in life. I don’t play any instruments, I don’t play competitive sports, I don’t engage in any creative outlet. But as my mom pointed out, I need to step back and widen my eyes to what I consider “creative” or “competitive.” I go to the gym every week and create my own workouts. I started my own exercise group and got hundreds of members. I point out things to my kids that they may not see. I give them advice and help them see themselves more clearly. I walk in nature and give witness to the budding leaves and the white blossoms of the mayapple.

The guest went on to talk about another barrier to full FUN. She hit the nail on the head for me with this one. She described it as having your gas pedal fully on fun, but the brake pedal being on full throttle as well. For me, I can be sitting with my friends, drinking wine and eating good food but there is something going on that is stopping me from having full FUN. It could be me thinking about something with the kids that has been bothering me, a project at work that I have to get done, a faux pas I made with a colleague….you name it.

Glennon revealed that she has the same issue. She feels like there are so many problematic things happening in the world and so what right does she have to have fun? After some back and forth with the guest, Glennon turned her thinking around and understood that she needed to have fun in order to give her a reason to fight for all of the problematic things going on in the world. She naturally worries – about her kids, climate change, the state of world affairs – and why care about those things if you’re not having fun in this life and want to continue with that fun. Makes sense.

The other night, both kids were in the kitchen with me. I asked if they wanted to play a game of cards, and got a negative response from both of them (again, trying to create fun). We finished eating some snacks; Mario stood up next to Maria and put her in a headlock. They started play wrestling and jabbing each other. Maria stood against the door frame and Mario stopped poking at her. Mario looked above her head and said “you need to measure me!” Maria and I laughed at his random request, and the laughter continued as Maria ribbed him about his hair giving him another 5 inches of height. Maria drew a pencil mark above Mario‘s head and Mario turned around complaining she didn’t get it right because it wasn’t high enough. Maria made a quip and they began teasing each other again, and laughing. Their playfulness with each other made me laugh and we all started teasing one another and laughing. I realized a beautiful insight minutes later. I had just been in the moment experiencing FUN without any brakes slowing me down. Note to self: keep doing this.

Delights

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We booked a trip to the Governor’s Ball in NYC months ago as a graduation gift for our daughters. Girl in Red was scheduled to perform – Maria loves her. Lizzo was also scheduled and I love her:) When we booked the flights (non-refundable) we nervously kidded about the fact that one of us would get Covid or be so run down from the graduation festivities that we’d not be able to go. At that time, we could’ve never imagined that wildfires from Canada would interfere with our trip. Covid may have sparked a new normal in our lifetime. Random environmental and biological events popping up in our lives and causing havoc to our daily lives.

We were scheduled to leave on Thursday early afternoon. The concert started on Friday. On Wednesday morning, the moms began a mad text chain with concerns about the festival canceling and the state of the city with all of the smoke. By that afternoon, we received pictures of a dark orange/grey sky in NYC. It looked ominous. By that evening, we switched our flights from Thursday to Friday morning. Then, to add to the fun, Maria started to feel sick. She had gone to Sheetz with some friends on Tuesday night and plowed through some Mac and Cheese bites. She thought this was definitely the cause of her stomach ache Wednesday. However, as the day continued, she felt worse and worse. We were hoping she would get over it in 24 hours but on Thursday morning, she felt twice as bad. As the day progressed, we decided that we should take her to the doctor on Friday morning and move our flight yet again to Friday evening. It was a royal pain to continue to change our flights because with each flight change, I had to wait for an agent and then spend time with that agent haggling over new flight times and charges. When I wasn’t spending my time doing that, I was busy researching how to sell our festival tickets for Friday since we were not going to make it. We paid a nice chunk of cash for those tickets, and it made me sick to not be able to use them. 

We got up and went to the doctor on Friday morning. The doc diagnosed her with a stomach bug, and prescribed heavy duty nausea medicine. Sticking with the theme of everything being a pain in the ass, the doctor prescribed the medicine to the wrong store. I had to go around and around with the doctors office and the wrong store and correct store to get the medicine. Eventually, two hours later, I went to pick it up. I am mediately inserted the tiny pill in Maria’s hand to take. About an hour later, Ri was starting to feel a little bit better. I looked at flight times and found that there was one at 3:30 pm in addition to our 6:30 PM flight. It was 1:15 PM. I called Maria to see if she wanted to try to change our flight and go out earlier so we could at least see Lizzo in concert. She knew how much I wanted to see her, and she was game. My girl. I spent a mere 20 minutes on the phone with the ticket agent to change our tickets up (a good sign), and Jon sped us to the airport.

We arrived in New York City at 6 PM. We jumped on the train to hit Penn Station and delivered our bags to the hotel. We left the hotel at 7 pm; I was nervous about getting to the festival on time. Maria kept assuring me that we would be there by the time Lizzo hit the stage. Of course, we were, thanks to Ri’s insanely prolific navigational skills. She knew the right subway to take and where to get off. My girl could totally crank out New York City on her own. 

Before Lizzo came on, I made Maria go to the M & M stand with me to get free M&Ms. Heaven! As we were leaving, it poured down rain for about 10 minutes. We happened to be in the middle of the park with no shelter, and got drenched. Maria received a call from her two girlfriends informing her they were in the GA+ area. We made a mad dash over to that area, and we’re happy to see that they were passing out ponchos.  We found Maria’s friends and their moms, and we all embraced in delight! We had finally made it!

Lizzo did not disappoint. She had a great opening about believing in yourself and being proud of who you are and standing up for what you believe in. She rocked the stage and Maggie and I jammed to her. Maria and Henley enjoyed it but Maggie was definitely the biggest fan. I love that these girls all love to see each other happy. Maria and Henley enjoyed Lizzo so much because they loved to see Maggie belting out the tunes and hopping up and down. They really truly love one another, and it is heartwarming to witness. When the show ended, we walked out with the masses to the subway station. We got lucky, and it was not too crowded on the subway. When we arrived at the hotel, we went into our separate rooms, and the moms at least, fell fast asleep. Day 1-check!

Saturday morning brought avocado toast, and omelettes. We went to a cute café Maria found down the street from our hotel. After breakfast, we traveled over to Roosevelt Island. You have to take a tram to get onto the island. It was not as scary as I thought, and provided good views along the way. The moms liked Roosevelt Island more than the girls. However, they did not complain, and took in the sights with smiles on their faces.  The Island housed an insane asylum and a small pox hospital – yikes! It also had a lighthouse and statutes in tribute to Nellie Bly- the first woman investigative journalist who reported on marginalized groups and fought for their better treatment. But the coolest site was a statute of Maria’s nickname – RI!



After the island, the moms and the girls split up, because Henley was going to Soho to visit her roommate, and wanted only Maggie and Maria to tag along. The moms split up – Kim went to visit her parents who were in town, Melanie went shopping, and I went to walk around Central Park.  I got to see street performers – my favorite! We all met up to get ready for dinner and our Broadway show. I did not connect with Maria until we began our walk to dinner. She did not look good. She confirmed that she also did not feel good. She tried to hang in there and made the walk to the restaurant with us. Once we got there, she looked even worse. I knew she was definitely sick when they brought a menu of pasta and bruschetta, and she stated that she could not eat anything. I ended up walking her back to the hotel so that she could rest and hopefully be ready to go for Sunday’s events. I felt so bad for her. However, I did know that she had no desire to go to the Broadway show, and was probably relieved that she got to miss out on that one:)  Little did she know that the Broadway show was actually going to be very good (it was Six). Both of the girls enjoyed it and the moms loved it. It was short and full of upbeat music and dancing. Like Lizzo, it was all about girl empowerment and telling your own story. 

After the show, we stopped to get waffles and ice cream in Bryant Park. Pretty heavenly. We checked on Maria when we got back to the hotel and she was feeling much better. The full day of walking after being sick for three days was probably not a good idea…. But, she certainly rebounded for Sunday. My girl is a lot like her father. If she goes and goes, she needs some downtime to recharge and then can easily pick up where she left off.

I woke up early on Sunday to take a run in Central Park. Holy cow. Little did I know how many miles it took to run around Central Park! I kept thinking that I was near the end and then it would just continue. I told myself I would not stop running until I got to the end but it took some serious discussions with that inner devil in me saying “Stop This Nonsense!” It helped to listen to the show tunes from Six, and to see other runners struggling to continue. I finally saw the entrance to the Park, and was relieved and proud of myself for making it. We all met at the breakfast buffet (I got my cups of Fruit Loops and granola for the road) at the hotel and then took off by 9:45 AM to hit the Highline. It is an old railroad track that has been converted as a walkway through Chelsea. There are plants and flowers on either side of the walkway and cool murals to see. I enjoyed walking a good part of it with Maria. We chatted about Jon, Pitt, random things. It is so easy to travel with that girl, and I felt extreme delight in simply strolling along the walkway with this human. We stopped at the Chelsea market, got some water, and looked through a bookstore. We went straight from Chelsea to the festival. I kept a close eye on Maria, and she seemed to be doing well. The long night of sleep certainly helped. 

On our way to the festival, the moms talked about a podcast that we had listened to with Ross Gay and Glennon Doyle about finding delight in your day. Doyle talked about being delighted that she made a TSA agent laugh who she never dreamed would show such emotion. Ross Gay talked about the delight in wearing a red shirt that his dad may have found ridiculous. When I saw Maria standing near the stage talking to other teen girls waiting for Girl in Red to come out, I felt delight. Here was my baby girl branching out and meeting new people at the festival, and so excited to see a performer she loves. I thought about her going to Pitt, and all of the new people she would meet there. She is open and curious and easily able to make conversation. She loves to have a good time. She jumped and sang and waved her hands throughout the performance. She got to hold Girl in Red as she body surfed through the crowd. She’s also so generous and thoughtful. She found one of Girl in Red’s pics after the show. Maggie kept looking and looking on the ground for another and was downtrodden when she couldn’t find one. As we walked away, Maria took the pic and put it in Maggie’s hand. Maggie refused to take it, but Maria made her because it was her 18th birthday present. She makes my heart happy. She brings so much love to the room and cherishes her relationships with best friends and family. We ended the night with Kendrick Lamar who Henley was dying to see. Maria was surprised to like his music. She was in rare form at the end of the festival – she definitely got her groove back! She took her friends out on the town when we got back to the hotel. They got late night pizza and tooled around while the moms – tired and sore – went to bed. I left the next morning, but Maria got to stay for an extra day with her friends and one of the moms. It was her friend’s 18th birthday, and they went shopping and ate bunches of good food.

Oh, and one little other thing, Maria got a tattoo! Maria gets really hyped up and so happy in certain situations. She got the tattoo because she wanted to remember the trip.  She was thoughtful enough to get it on the top of her bicep so that she could wear a business casual top and have it covered. But she was also wild enough to get the tattoo in the first place. She told me that she didn’t think twice about it when she saw the tattoo parlor. She was with her best girlfriends, she was happy, and she wanted to memorialize it. I would’ve spent three hours, weighing the pros and cons of getting a tattoo. But not my girl, she just does it. There is something to be said for that personality trait. It may get her into some trouble here and there, but she will certainly be able to say that she took a wild ride in this lifetime. Delight.

Be happy with this moment

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My latest quote obsession. How I embodied it this week:

1. Watching Maria as lead attorney at her Mock Trial at the courthouse. She defended a student arrested after tampering with eggs for the school breakfast. The girl is a natural trial attorney. She grilled the witnesses on cross examination (and even got recognized by the Judge). She used inflection in her voice while giving the closing. She’s a natural. The judge awarded her “Most Outstanding Attorney.”

2. Playing Mexican Dominoes with Mario and hanging out in the kitchen with him and Jon. We spent nearly 3 hours, cleaning the kitchen and playing Mexican dominoes this afternoon. He was forced to hang with us because this was part of a consequence he earned, but he didn’t complain too much and we all had a really good time together. I kept trying to ask him questions he did not want to answer like what major he’d choose in college or what he likes most about himself. Jon knew he did not want to answer so Jon rang a little buzzer to alert him he didn’t need to answer. It was quite hilarious. Jon was able to get Mario talking a bit more than I was , and by the end, we learned a few more facts than we had known.

3. Watching Mario play basketball. Damn, he and his teammates are fun to watch! The game is so much more physical in high school, and Mario plays tough.

4. Watching Maria give tours at the new high school. Girlfriend was chosen to give a speech at the ribbon cutting, and lead one of the tours of the school. She has certainly positioned herself as a leader at that place, and ingratiated herself amongst her teachers.

5. Making food for the kids. I will be the first to admit, and the kids will be the first to inform me, that my cooking is not premier. It, frankly, is not even that good. But I can crank out microwavable foods and do a few things on the stove. The kids have learned to live with that. So, when either of them asks me to make them breakfast or lunch, I do it in a heartbeat. Mario asks much more than Maria. There is something about making their food that brings me joy. It is a way to take care of them now that they are so independent.

6. Watching the kids interact together. There is no greater joy that I can get than seeing the two of them talking together or goofing off together. Thank God Maria is the older sibling, and is a natural nurturer. Mario doesn’t know how good he has it. And Mario is good about loosening Maria up at times she needs it!



Resolutions

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My mom and I have routinely huddled up at the end of each year or the beginning of each new year to discuss what our New Year’s resolutions will be. Some years are better than others in achieving them. Last year, I resolved to stretch more after my exercise routine because I was dealing with some sore hamstrings and hips. I did a decent job of achieving that goal. I also resolved to stop snacking so much at night. I could not put a checkmark of achievement next to that goal….

This year, Mario has inadvertently assisted me in crafting my resolutions. Now that he has moved up to the attic, we do not get a glimpse into how much he is studying versus playing on his computer. With Maria, there was never any doubt that when she was down in her basement bedroom, she was studying. She, of course, is an anomaly of a teenager. She wants nothing more than to overly achieve in school – sometimes to the point of it being a stressor and riddling her with anxiety. For her, our goal is to remind her that she also needs to enjoy her life and put some of her focus on play time. We have always known that Mario has a different set of  a goals and ideals than Maria. Mario is more like your typical boy teenager – he wants to have fun in school, get in as many study halls as possible, hang with friends, and goof off. A good day to him does not center around getting 100% on a math test; rather, it centers around getting together with some of his friends and watching a funny video or packing in a car and heading to Chipotle for lunch.

The first quarter of school he came home with all Bs and As. We knew he did not try that hard (he admitted as much) so we told him that for the second quarter, he needed to set a goal for two more As. He agreed that he would do so.

Now, this is where Jon and I dropped the ball. We know Mario – we know that playing a video game with friends will always trump doing homework, even if he knows that that is what he should be doing. It is too hard for him to say no. This is where we as parents need to step in to establish boundaries on video playing time and homework time. We did not do that, but rather assumed that he was able to make those choices on his own based on his desire to do better. All quarter long, he affirmed he was doing what he needed to be doing, and should end up with As and B’s. So, when I went online a week ago and saw his grades for second quarter, I was taken aback. Not only has he fell in the number of As but he even had a couple of C+s.

After sternly talking with him about his grades and my concern that he was not putting effort into school, I sat back to look at my own behavior. We have known that Mario is a different kid than Maria. He is not driven to excel in school. He has enjoyed high school this year because of the freedom it gives him and because he made friends early on with juniors and seniors so he gets shout outs from them throughout the day. Learning is ancillary to the social scene.

It was just so much easier to assume that he was studying up in his room then to take the time each evening to try to review all of his subjects with him. The funny thing is that I am constantly looking for ways to do more with him and this was staring down my face. Not exactly a riotous good time for either of us – but time, nonetheless.

I also realized that I needed to have a longer conversation with him about why he put so little effort into his work the second quarter. I have been trying to implement some of the learnings I get from all my podcasts and I had just listened to We Can do Hard Things where Dr. Becky Kennedy spoke about good kids doing bad things and getting deeper into why the kid felt like he needed to take the particular bad action.

I spoke to my mom that evening and told her about Mario’s grades, as well as my New Year’s resolution to take time every night to review his classes. She thought it was a worthy resolution, and one I should have probably implemented a year ago for 2022. Yea, well, better late than never.



Be Have Do

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I found a new podcast, 70 Over 70. I listened to Barney Frank the other day. I loved the saying that he wanted on his epitaph “The Gentleman’s Time Has Expired.”

I listened to Judith Light’s interview after Mr. Frank’s. I recalled her from one of the 80’s sitcoms I watched but I can’t recall which one it was. The description of her interview was what enticed me: “Be. Do. Have.” Anymore, any type of spiritual, philosophical title captures me.

I listened to the interview while walking Rocco in Tarpy early in the morning when there was no one else in the woods with me. Tiny snowflakes blew through the air and a dusting of snow laid on the path up the hill to the clearing where Rocco runs free enjoying all the scents amidst him. The interviewer started the podcast telling Judith Light that he has two kids, and is constantly worried about messing them up; seeing them at age 18 chatting with friends about how f’d up they are because of something he did to them that he did not even realize they absorbed. Light reacts by stating “You will fuck them up, that is the human condition!” But she consoles the interviewer telling him it is ok because life is messy and he is trying his best. You just need to be in the present, and not throw your energy in worry about the future. It helps to look at your kids as beings that have come into your life to enable you to learn just as much as you are enabling them to learn.

She then discussed starting her career thinking that she had done everything right to get her to a place where she would be offered feature films and broadway plays – not sitcoms. She was above those. She had done, done, done, going to acting school and Carnegie Mellon and getting her degree. She deserved the best and wanted it now! But that was a skewed outlook.

She needed to figure out who she wanted to be and then the doing would come from that framework. She asked herself “how am I going to be today – not what I will do.” We tend to think if we do enough stuff, read enough books, then we will have or be something more. But that is not true. You need to start from your being. Breathe. Be with you first. If you “be” first, you will have a different framework. Be curious and embrace the mess. Be grateful for another day. Make friends with the not knowing. Be conscious and aware that you are choosing to be. The getting and wanting will come – but it will come from a different place. It’s the “be-do-have” mindset- not the “do-have-be” mindset.

I loved that. I thought of the scores of podcasts and books I have tried out over the year with the hope that in doing this work, I would learn to be. But no matter how many experts I listened to and how many words I read, I still didn’t feel like I was getting what I needed. After listening to the interview, it hit me that maybe I am “doing” too much, and just need to ask myself “how am I going to be today?”

So I did.

On Sunday, I made a conscious choice to “be” a present mom, an engaged wife, supportive of others. Making that choice of “Being” naturally brought on the doing. I made Mario a hearty breakfast before he went snowboarding. I folded the laundry. I bought groceries to make dinners through the week. I listened to Maria talk to me about Model UN. I gave praise to Jon for his delicious pork chops. I read my book, and called my mom. I cleaned the kitchen floor. I loved, and comforted, and helped, and listened, and fed. It felt good, and soul-satisfying. And I promised myself at the end of the evening that I would wake up the next morning and continue to be conscious of “being.”

Of course, the next day was Monday so all that conscious desire was squashed by Monday work and school madness. Actually, not true. My girlfriend called while I was getting ready to walk and read my book, and she needed someone to talk to about her dad. He had received a concerning diagnosis. I put down my book and talked with her. I comforted her. I think she felt better after our conversation. I made Mario a pb&j before basketball. I picked up Ri’s room since she had a huge exam to study for and was at school from 7 am to 7 pm. I snuggled with Rocco on the family room floor while stretching out my back. “Be, Have, Do.”

The boy is 14

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Mario turned 14 on September 4. It was a bit of a wild card as to whether he would be able to celebrate or not. He got sick the previous weekend; he had a horrible sore throat, cough, low-grade fever, and congestion. I took him to urgent care on Saturday, and he tested negative for strep and COVID. It is just a nasty bug, they told us. He felt worse on Sunday and could not head to school on Monday. He tried to go back on Wednesday but felt horrible after school. We tested him for COVID, strep and mono on Thursday and all were negative. He finally felt better on Friday but stayed home so he would feel better on his birthday. You know he is getting more mature when all he wants for his birthday is a trip to IKEA to find furniture for his new attic bedroom.

Patty came in on Saturday morning, which was another wish Mario had for his birthday – to see his grandma. We went to lunch at Rooster’s (much to Maria’s dislike), and then headed up to IKEA. Mario refused to allow Jon and I to walk around with he and Patty. Jon and I had enough of IKEA within 15 minutes but did manage to score some new dinner plates. Mario found a couch he liked along with cushions he thought I’d love because they were only $6 each but still soft (he knows his mama’s love for a good deal).

We came home and opened presents. Maria was the only one to purchase an actual present. Mario wanted a microphone for his gaming off of Amazon and she got it for him (she even paid half)! He was charged up and immediately walked over to give her a hug. I live for those moments of tenderness between them because they so rarely happen anymore; however, I can always guarantee some affection between them if Maria gets him a present:)

Later that evening, Jon and I were invited to a party at the parent’s house of one of Mario’s friends. The mom informed me that she had gotten a huge DQ cake for Mario so we told Mario he had to come with us.  I got to embarrass him a bit by having everyone sing happy birthday. He endured it because he knew he had a whole DQ cake to devour afterwards.

Leading up to his birthday, Mario went round and round on what he wanted for his birthday. He does this every year. He will want something a couple of months before his birthday, and then will think of something else a month before and then something else two weeks before…. This year, he badly wanted a moped. He researched and learned that 14-year-olds can get licenses. I don’t know if he lost interest because the thought of a new bedroom on the third floor outweighed the moped or because we kept saying no to the moped, but by August he was on to a new attic bedroom as a birthday gift.

He recently moved his PC and desk up to the attic because he wants privacy while he berates and laughs with his friends on-line. I was hesitant to allow him up there because of the window AC unit, and the amount we have to spend on cooling off the upstairs. But his dad allowed it, likely channeling his frustration with never having his own room as a kid. I would have never dreamt that we would allow him to play video games so much but since Covid, it has become the activity of choice for him and all of his friends. I justify the amount of time on the video games because he is chatting with his friends the entire time. However, God only knows what those games will do to his brain 10 years from now. Who knows, maybe he’ll use his skills and be a famous gamer or create a much-loved app.

He cannot wait to decorate his attic bedroom. Hence, why we had the couch purchase. He is also getting new carpet and a new desk. Jon and I figure that it will help the resale value of the house so we don’t feel like we are spoiling him too much….

This year, Mario became obsessed with building muscle. He was on a kick to start creatine, which we quickly shut down. However, he has now moved onto simple protein powder. We agreed to it if he actually maintains a good diet in addition to it. He is his mother’s child with his love for lifting weights. He tore a ligament in his hand and had to get a cast. The first question he asked the doctor was whether he could still lift weights. It nearly made me cry with pride:)

He loves himself some rap music – playing Kanye to me the other day as we drove to the grocery. Again, he is his mother’s son.

His favorite sport remains basketball. He got into a spring league with the Pumas. It was a bit rough in the beginning because he didn’t play much, and he didn’t know the new coaches, but then he ended up really elevating his game, and starting throughout the rest of the season. It was a joy to watch him develop, and watch him get more confident.

He got spoiled with vacations this year. He went to Savannah with Patty and his three cousins. He now loves the beach. This is 180° turn from six years ago when he was scared to death to go in the water because he thought he would be attacked by a shark. Thank you Jaws. He also got to go on a trip to Myrtle Beach with three of his buddies. He learned how to wakeboard, and loved it. He’s been begging to head back to the beach since he arrived home.

He’s got a set of dudes that he hangs out with regularly. This summer was so nice because he biked everywhere. Of course, because they biked everywhere, this typically entailed lunch out nearly every day. Jon and I decided early on in the summer that he would have to do chores and mow the grass in order to earn $25 a week. He spent that every week at Chipotle or Noodles. They played a lot of wiffleball and hung out at the l football field. I bought him a pool pass but he only ended up going down there a handful of times. He has a buddy who has a pool at his house so the boys decided that it was much cooler to go over there.

He started to show interest in girls – Jon and I only found that out from hearing rumors from other parents and from looking at Life360 and seeing him at a girl’s house down the street. He and his buddies would hang out with her and her girlfriends in the summer evenings. By hanging out, I mean they say on her porch and looked at their separate phones together:) I am dreading that whole scene – I keep telling him that I am his one and only love but he doesn’t quite agree with me….

He went out to the farm again this year for a week of work with my dad. They built a pergola and bailed a lot of hay. I went out on the last day to help them out, and it was a great work out. I keep telling my dad that he should get a strongman competition out there.

He loves to play the game Rust with his buddies. He has no desire to watch TV shows or movies with his mom anymore. However, I did find that if I would sit down and watch Rust on YouTube video with him, he will allow it. So, I bit my lip and sat with him on many days to watch the latest tactics in Rust. I will take those moments when I can get them.

He likes to take car rides with me to Speedway to get energy drinks and a bag of chips (usually around 10 pm). We were getting one dollar lottery tickets but then the lottery machine broke down. Jon teases me that I will be in the old person’s home and Mario will come visit me with lottery tickets to scratch with him.

Jon and Mario get their time together by heading out to Dover and fishing. Mario did not get his Canadian fishing trip this year due to Covid but he is hoping for next year. He loves that time with Jon.

Mario and Giovanni got to spend a week down at Patty’s house this summer as well. They love to walk around Marietta by themselves. They also love to play in the woods near Patty’s house. They stay up late and watch stupid shows together. They egg each other on, which will inevitably get them into trouble (hopefully while in Marietta so not on our watch!).

Mario has a kind heart. He doesn’t openly show it like some people – always hugging or asking questions or talking incessantly. He’s more the silent type. But he does care. When I came home from surgery and tried to walk to the kitchen, he yelled at me to sit still or I could hurt my knee. When he writes notes to Patty, he always adds a sentence hoping she’s taking her medicine and doing her exercises.

He is good with Giovanni’s kids when they are in Dover. He fishes with them and plays with them, and they adore him. He is also good with Elena when she comes to town. He doesn’t want to spend too much time with her but the time he does spend, she adores. He’s gotten better about reacting poorly (to put it nicely)when we ask him to take out the garbage or do his chores. I think he knows he has it pretty good with us so he has learned to do as we ask when we ask.

He still likes to wrestle with me although I’m bound to break a limb if I continue much longer. The boy is strong – he even pushed Jon backwards the other day when they were play fighting (Jon will swear he caught him off guard). He cracks Jon and I up with his spoofs of Jon and his quips about school.

He spent a lot of his time at age 13 looking up how to make quick money. He swore that he was going to start buying shoes off of Stock X and then resell them at a higher price. He talks about flipping houses and getting into the real estate market when he gets older. Or becoming a welder. He has no interest in college at this point in time and less he would be recruited to play basketball somewhere. We will see if that changes as he enters high school next year.

I love this kid with every ounce of my body, and I know he loves me and his family right back. Happy 14th to you, son!

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Connection

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I know I repeat over and over to people the story of how I used to beg the universe to age my kids so they did not want me to make their lunch or play a game or go swimming or watch their magic tricks. Not to sound horrible- I loved doing those things – just not every waking second. I wanted a break every once in a while. They didn’t even know how to sleep in until 7 am – rising at the break of dawn and ready to roll.

Then it happened. They turned into teenagers and they fled the coop. I woke up at 9 am and they were still in bed sleeping or watching you tube on their phones. I asked if they wanted to walk to Stauf’s, and they declined. They would make their own breakfast when they were hungry. I offered to play cards or Monopoly but they had plans with friends. I turned on one of our favorite comedy shows but they had moved onto their own Netflix series.

Wait, hold up, not sooooo fast!

And so here I am reminiscing about the past, and how much I miss the moments I had wished away. I beg and plead, and then eventually demand, that the kids play a game with me (it used to be a walk until I had knee surgery; the kids thanked the heavens when they learned no walking for me for 12 weeks). There is typically a lot of sighing and complaining on Mario’s part; Maria has pretty much succumbed to my pressure. I don’t care though – I need connection with them even if they moan about it.

And indeed, Mario moaned last weekend when I told him we were gonna play a game before he could get on his video game with his friends. We decided on Kids vs. Adults trivia since we couldn’t find Monopoly. We laughed at Mario’s answers to questions – how does he not know where Venice is?! We made fun of Maria getting questions about movies, which she never watches. The kids teased me for constantly rolling the die to the “lose a turn” side. It was the best 45 minutes of my day because I had both of my babies by my side.

In fairness, the games we we play now are much more exiting than the ones we played years ago (god help me if I see Candy Land anytime soon). And the kids have quite the quips as we engage in play. They are mini-adults with strong personalities and convictions. They speak their minds. They have senses of humor. Their wicked smart. They love fiercely. They are independent.

All those years of loving the crap out of them and smothering them with hugs and kisses and listening to their stories and taking them to the pool paid off. They are fine humans. They know their momma needs connection, and they provide it even when their friends are hounding then to get on the latest video game or head to the thrift store. The time together is short – a game or two long – but so so sweet – and long enough to keep that thread taut between us.

To walk

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In the summer, Maria started taking a two mile run/walk with me in the woods. She dreaded it but usually felt better once it was over and we were in the AC back home. Then, she got a treadmill, and she never wanted to hit the “nasty outdoors” again. She cannot stand the sun or heat. Yes, I am not kidding. I keep telling her that she should move to Seattle when she turns 18 so that she can live in the spitting rain and gray skies. 

Nevertheless, she would not put up a major fight (sometimes it would be a whine and other times an exasperated sigh) when I asked her to only take a one mile walk in the woods with me. She conditioned her agreement to go on us taking Rocco so we could watch him gnaw on sticks and play with pups in the woods. It’s been a bit easier to get her to go with me lately because I will allow her to go on and on and on about getting her temps. This has been a dream of hers for at least a year. For the last three months, she has talked about how she cannot wait until October 31 so that she can get her temps and drive around town. Jon can’t stomach to talk about it anymore so when I walk with her, she is permitted to talk about what the test will be like, how awesome it will be when she gets her temps, where she will want to drive, what questions she think will be on the test, where she will drive me around town…you name it.

I have also made her walk to school in the morning. She was appalled at the thought of it at the beginning of the school year but now she has gotten more used to it. Don’t get me wrong, she constantly talks about how she cannot wait to drive to school, but she doesn’t beg for Jon to take her every morning like she used to in year’s past.

The other night, I was doing some work on the computer, and she came up from the basement to tell me that she had an essay she wanted to read to me. We went upstairs and sat on my bed. It started out with a definition of “to walk.” She then detailed how our simple walks bring her some unexpected joy during this Covid time. She notices more on her walks and feels more prepared her for school day.  What?!

These are the little nuggets that I need to hear throughout my weeks to help me witness the positive marks I leave on my children. So often I beat myself up for snapping at the kids or not doing enough reading with the kids or falling short in some other arena…but then I hear my kid finding joy in something I brought them, and I realize I’m also doing some good in this world. 

Now, do I think she will forgo driving the car to school once she is able? Probably not. But she may take a few more minutes to think about it, and end up taking a tiny stroll after school, at least, to the woods with me.



Taking the risk

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My girl lost the student council president election. I received a phone call at 7:40 AM as I was taking my morning run. The phone call came up from my husband. I answered assuming it was him. Instead, I heard a sobbing daughter and the following words:

“I lost, mom.”

I should have been ready. I knew she would find out today. I also had an inkling that she may not win. She was up against a girl in her class who made a good speech about being responsible and a strong leader. She also has an older brother who graduated last year and was well known by students in the school.
But I wasn’t ready because deep down inside, I just kept hoping that Ri would win and that we would not be having this conversation. I remember learning about this “wait and hope” mentality when I was learning to be a facilitator at Ohio State. It is a default thought process I go to often. Let’s not delve into what could be painful or difficult conversations now with the hope that the difficult conversation won’t have to happen. Well, inevitably, the situation arises.

So here I was abruptly stopping my gait and trying to resurrect words of consolation to Ri as cars zoomed past me. My heart ached for her because I knew how much she wanted to be president and how sad she was about losing. I did not want to discount that sadness by saying something like “it’s not a big deal – who cares about being president” or “people are stupid – they should have voted for you” – although those were all responses that were coming into my head most immediately. But I took a breath and went in a different direction. I affirmed what she was feeling and simply stated that it had to feel crappy to get this news. But after listening to her for a few minutes, I told her this:

“You should be proud and hold your head high that you went for it. You ran for president when many people would be too scared to do so knowing that they could very well lose the election. You took the risk. That is where you won.”

I really believe that, too. I know even as an adult I have avoided certain challenges because I was scared of making a fool of myself or scared of not coming out on top. It takes a lot to dive into the waters and put yourself out there. She should embrace the strength she had to even take on the challenge.

I will talk with her in due time about what she can learn from this matter. Was there something more that she could have done to prepare? Could she have thought about her speech more and went in a different direction? Are there things she could ask her friends about what they liked about her friend’s speech over hers? This can take some courage because you are going to hear constructive feedback, but it is absolutely necessary in order to grow. You will need the ability to hear such feedback as you get older. Again, something I continue to struggle with – knowing the feedback is constructive and not a slap in the face. It is the only way to excel.

But for this morning, I will simply give her hugs and reaffirm my pride in her simply going for it. Girlfriend needs to feel that power, that strength, in putting herself out there. She needs to understand that is a trait that will be so important for her in years to come.

Vinegar!

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A Facebook memory popped into my feed a few weeks ago. It was a video of Maria and Mario, probably ages six and four, sitting on our kitchen floor with a variety of objects in order to perform a science experiment. I remember purchasing the boxed experiment – it looked like something we could handle. All you needed was some baking soda, vinegar and food dye to create an erupting volcano. Those were the days when I would search Target and Giant Eagle for any craft, experiment or toy to add to our weekend days.

We probably had taken a run in the double BOB stroller that morning to Giant Eagle to purchase the volcano fun. I could usually get in at least a couple of miles prior to hitting Giant Eagle if I promised the kids a donut from the donut case. I sometimes made them bring a hard cover chapter book to read to me while I ran with them. Again, the promise of a donut can work wonders….

I faintly recall helping them with the volcano that day. However, it may be more of a re-creation of my mind after watching the video over and over. It is hard to remember back to those days when they were that young. I can recall feeling like those days lasted forever – waking up at 6 am and going all day until 9 pm. Stroller ride, walks, park, lunch, games, reading, paint, snacks, Dora….

I remember getting a small break to go to Stauf’s and read a few pages of a book while eating a darkly toasted bagel. It was heaven to escape the long days with the kids. I also remember telling myself that I will miss those long days when they get older, but I had no idea of how exactly it would feel because I was so engrossed in the everyday with the kids. What would it be like to wake up and not have Mario plead for me to stay home with him rather than go on a quick run? What would it be like to be swimming with Maria and not have her constantly ask to play an underwater game? What would it be like to go to the park and not have both kids pull on me to tackle the obstacle course and slide down the slide with them 10 times over? How absolutely exhausted I was at the end of those days, so how can I yearn for them so much now?

Crazy ass universe. What I would do to cradle those small feet and toes right now. What I would do to have that tiny sweet hand grab mine as we walk down the street. But, if I am honest, I have no desire to go back to the days of getting up at 6 AM and having to give my full attention to those humans all day long. It was exhausting and it was for a time that I could handle it. That time period is not right now. So I need to embrace where we are today. Two grown kids at over 5 feet tall, both with gargantuan feet, both with their own viewpoints, both happy and comfortable in their skin. When I look back to that video again, I see traits in the kids that remain with them today. Mario with his goofiness and desire to make people laugh, and Maria with her pedagogical style and desire to be in control.

Ten years ago I could never have imagined where we are today. Today, I can’t imagine having two kids in their 20s. So, what is the lesson? To totally absorb these times that I have in front of me right now because I will soon look back at the videos I am currently making and lament at how the time flew by.

https://www.facebook.com/mary.m.ionno/videos/10151705524597508/?extid=XKT9l8mb7l49ppcs&d=n