My Achin’ Feet

We are a servant to the new house.  It rules over our every move.  It works us to the bone. 

Jon and I are exhausted with a big ol’ capital E.  Our bodies just ache and our feet could be rubbed for days and still not feel ready to pound the street.  Jon has been absolutely amazing with the new house.  He wanted to be in charge of the entire master bedroom project and all of the direction relating to the painting and molding and touch-ups in the other rooms.  He had some great helpers (shout out to Jason and Dave) but he really kicked it up a huge notch to get our master bedroom and the rest of the house together prior to our move on Tuesday.  He reinforced his reputation as “the boss” during the last month – he certainly had to ream our helpers a few times to get ’em moving or lead them in an organizational meeting to put their heads around what they needed to do first, second, third….  But he also created a reputation for himself as a hard and dedicated worker, willing to make five trips to the hardware store or paint trim or carry drywall.  He has put some serious sweat and energy into our new home, which makes me love our new home even more. 

Maria dusting

Maria and Mario have been so great through all of this business, too.  Maria helped me pack (she found a little vase box and shoved her undies and Mario’s undies in it; taped it; and then proceeded to write (Maria’s undeez and Mario’s).  She loves to write with a permanent marker so she helped us detail the items in each box.  She is getting better at spelling but I have to admit, I still love to see how she spells certain words that don’t sound anyway like they are spelled (e.g., kichen and cloos (kitchen and clothes)).  She also did a great job dusting; she finds it a challenge to try to get cabinet knobs as sparkling clean as possible and desk tops looking new.  I think she also loves spraying the Endust can everywhere.  She had the choice to head to her friend’s b-day party on Saturday morning or help pack and she wanted to pack.  It was only after I talked with her about the fun she would miss out on and the fact that we would be packing all day that she went to the party.  She rode her new bike all they way there with me only holding onto her on the hills and at the corners of streets.  She is getting so big!  And once we got there, I wanted to stay!  Her friend’s mom made a sheet cake with skewers of timbits poked throughout it.  Cinnamon rolls, too!  Heaven. If only a gallon of chocolate ice cream was beside it, I would have planted myself right there for the day. 

Mario doesn’t quite put forth the effort that Maria does in helping to pack or clean.  He uses all of his energy playing Wii sports or watching tv.  He has gotten his share of tv shows in the last few weeks because that is how we keep him busy while we clean, pack, and clean some more.  It keeps him in one spot so I don’t have to worry about where he ran off to in the neighborhood.  Hopefully, not all of his brain cells have been killed off.  We test him every once in a while with a hard question, and he responds correctly so I think he is fine.  He will play Wii tennis and boxing and golf for an hour or more.  He gets so competitive with the computer and he still spends a good amount of time “creating” his player.  The boy has to look super cool before he will play a game (which usually means black spiked hair, tinted glasses, and super skinny).  He also has gotten into the Barbie.com games based on Maria’s fascination with them.  He sang “I’m a Barbie girl” while waiting in Stauf’s coffee line yesterday and then proudly showed off a kickin’ purple dress he placed on a barbie.

Mario keeping busy with the Barbie.com game

I have not talked to either of the kids about the move much.  Jon and I ask if they are excited to move and both say “yes; Maria emphatically so.  I try to remind them that this current house has given us a lot of memories and there will be times they miss it very much.  Mario just shrugs his shoulders and moves on but Maria seems to process it and explain it more to Mario.  The other day when I told them we would be moving soon and asked how they felt, Mario responded “fine, mom.”  Maria turned him around to face her and said “Mario, mom and dad brought you and me home to this house when we were little babies and watched us walk in this house and get older.”  I had just mentioned all of those things to her the day before when I talked with her about why I sometimes got sad about moving.  God love her.  Between the two of us, hopefully Mario will get some of our compassion!

And so, here we are.  Two days away from moving into our new home and sleeping in our new rooms, and waking up to our new street.  I feel exhilarated while at the new house and melancholy while at the old one.  Tomorrow, I am going to come home early, sit in the living room of this current house and soak in all of the energy and memories and love and laughter swirling around this darling home.  And then I am going to plant myself in the family room of our new house and release all of it into the air for our new home to soak up.

Grandma’s Roses

Jon and I went to our new house today to mow the grass and water the plants.  I continue to be amazed at how comfortable I feel in this new house even though we have yet to move in to it and I have never liked change too much.  I will miss our old home tremendously, especially on those nights that I wake up and go downstairs to make a bowl of ice cream and my familiar kitchen island is not standing before me or my basement door with the kitty escape carved in it is missing or my old wooden table where I write and read is no where in sight.

But, I will soon create new rooms to love and different items to cherish.  Nevertheless, I diverge… back to the mowing and watering….  I thought the new yard would be a challenge to mow but it only takes me an extra 5 or 10 minutes to finish.  The true challenge is all of the flowers and plants and vegetables growing around the yard.  They present a much more difficult challenge for me and my non-green thumb.  I am starting off easy – merely trying to water all of these living creatures.  It would be a fairly easy task if I didn’t get antsy after standing still for two minutes.   I figure someone has a plan for me to slow down and “smell the roses” and so they bestowed this large garden on me.  I will learn to breathe and take in the moment somehow, someway. 

And that I did.  I stood over the hostas and showered them with water.  They glistened.  I moved to the hydrangea and the tomato plants and to some fuzzy looking tall purple flowers.  They perked up.  And then I got to the pink rose bush, and I felt like someone laid their hands on both of my shoulders and pushed me back with all of their force.  My grandma’s rose bushes stood in front of me and so did she; she was watering them and looking over her shoulder at me like she used to when I would visit.  She stayed with me for those few minutes that I sprayed them.  I smiled and soaked her in. 

Grandma and her great-grandkids

A butterfly caught my eye by the grasses waiting next in line to receive hydration, and the brief moments with my grandma vanished. For the rest of the evening, I carried her with me.  As I sit here tonight writing, I am reminded of Whitman’s words on death: 

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,

If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.

I can’t wait to water my garden again. 

Be Kind and Bring Joy

I just finished reading an excerpt from Roger Ebert’s autobiography Life Itself on Salon’s website.  I had no idea that he was such a thoughtful writer; I only remember him from my childhood when I watched him and Gene Siskell rate movies that I would either see because of them or completely avoid because of them.  Now, he has survived thyroid cancer and the inability to eat, drink or talk.  My dad has always reiterated to me the mantra “Life is crazy” and he couldn’t have spoken a greater truth. 

Mr. Ebert reflects on religion, dying and lessons he has learned as he moves through his ever-changing world.  It is a beautiful piece of writing.  Mr. Ebert’s thoughts on kindness struck me in particular tonight.  He writes:

That does a pretty good job of summing it up. “Kindness” covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.

It struck me for two reasons.  The first and obvious one is because I believe strongly in this tenet of kindness, also.  The second is because I had just witnessed Maria and Mario walk three houses down to our neighbors to deliver handwritten get well cards to one of them whose mother was ill.  I had mentioned that our neighbor’s mom had to go to the hospital last night.  Today, Maria drew a picture at school and one after school to cheer our neighbor up and to tell her we loved her.  Mario followed suit.  If there is one value that Jon and I have worked hard on instilling in these kids, it is the value of kindness, and through their actions tonight, it looks like we are doing something right. 

Thanks, Mr. Ebert, for reminding me of the simple beauty of kindness.

Left Neglected

My fam!

I finished the book, Left Neglected by Lisa Genova tonight.  I am not a voracious reader of books, and if I do like them, they are usually biographies or non-fiction (I stick with New Yorker and Atlantic Monthly magazine articles).  But this book hit home for me.  Hmmm, I don’t know why?  It couldn’t be because the main character reminds me so much of me? Sarah Nickerson is a working mom with three kids trying to juggle an 80 hour workweek with kids’ activities and a hubby all while keeping joy and spontaneity in her life.  When that life crashes at her knees and she cannot continue to go ten miles a minute, she is forced to face her relationship with her mom, her addiction to her blackberry and email, and her manic, crazed life.  

Genova’s writing flows so easily and I felt instantly connected with Sarah and her fears, anxieties, and dreams.  I loved her description of Sarah helping her ADHD son do his homework and the thrill she got in taking the time to think of a productive solution to his problem as well as the thrill her son got in getting his homework completed and correct.  Those precious moments carry throughout your life.  I also thought that Genova did a great job at portraying Sarah’s anger towards her mother who failed to pay attention to her as a child due to the death of Sarah’s brother at a young age.  When Sarah has a scare with her own son who could have been struck by a car, she is able to appreciate the pain her mom must have felt all those years after her brother’s death; she gains empathy towards her mom’s situation and in the end, the ability to forgive.  Forgiveness is such a gift.  

The book made me again address what matters most to me.  I need these reminders interspersed throughout my crazed day, week, and month in order to keep me focused on the people and parts of my life that I most enjoy and cherish.  My life is not as crazed as Sarah’s – I have found a job that brings me much flexibility and also stretches my mind to new limits.  But I do have those days when I still think “what am I doing?! Shouldn’t I be working somewhere I could make a real difference?! ”  I will continue to struggle with that question but in the meantime, the bottom line for me is that I am genuinely happy.  I love Maria and Mario to absolute pieces, and cannot imagine a world without their sweet, cherub faces.  I love my husband for being my champion in all that I do, and I love my family and friends for the support and laughs and joy they bring me.  I have it good, and books like Genova make me recognize that over and over again.

Rounding up Mario’s b-day/holiday weekend

Mario completed his b-day weekend with a big bash at our “old” house.  It felt strange to sit around the dining room table knowing that it was likely the last “family” meal we would have in that house.  The good part is that the new house will have much more space to spread out; the bad part is that the new house will have much more space to spread out.  There is something quaint and sweet about sitting so close together at one table with chairs side by side and elbows bumping… until you can’t cut into that porter house steak. 

 Everyone spoiled Mario on his birthday.  What is new?  Both Maria and Mario have gotten spoiled rotten on their birthdays throughout their short lives.  Here is a list of some of the things Mario got:

Spiderman Web shooter (the new version which shoots out a piece of string and not the white foam that sticks to every piece of furniture and in every crevice of the room)

Transformer outfit and mask

Sweatpants (with the elastic on the bottom to stay tight around Mario’s ankles (he rolls them up two times now in order to not have them “hang” at the bottom of his leg)

Incredible Hulk Warrior

Soccer disc (it is like air hockey with a soccer ball – pretty cool)

Legos (I can only hope he starts to like those – so much more up my alley than transformers and superheros)

Dinosaurs

Overalls (he won’t wear them yet because they are too “long” even though they go straight to his ankles)

Maria begged for us to give Mario the rest of the presents we had gotten him but Mario was already on overload and did not need to continue opening any more (besides, they will make good Christmas presents).   She takes care of that little brother of hers.  When we were singing happy birthday to Mario, she stood right next to him and put her arm around him patting his shoulder gently.  After the song, we waited for him to blow the candles out.  Maria gently nudged him and whispered “blow out your candles, baby boy.” 

Mario impressed Jon and me with his manners, too.  After opening each gift, he gave a hug and kiss to the gift giver.  Then, at the very end of the gift opening, he stood on a chair, and with a little help from me, thanked everyone for coming to his b-day celebration.  God love him.  And to end all of the excitement of the holiday weekend, Mario and Maria had a tattoo fest.  Mario chose all of his favorite superheros to fill up his compact, strong arms.  Maria chose a huge tattoo for her… neck.  Yes, kid you not.  She is my west-side girl.  All in all, not a bad Labor Day weekend and b-day celebration for four-year-old Mario.

Mario turns 4!

Mario when he was a "little" boy at age 3 (proud of his fish)!

Mario Joseph turned 4 today.  Well, technically, he is four at 9:52 pm, the exact time he shot out of me and entered this crazy, wonderful world.  When he woke this morning, he did not make a big deal about his birthday.  He snuggled up next to me on the edge of the bed as he does nearly every morning I am not up already and out on a run.  He even gave me the Mario “rub” this morning.  One of my favorite things.  He gently rubs his hand over my face and in my hair without saying a word but with all of the care and love he can muster.  I feel it everywhere.  Maria woke up not long after Mario scooted into bed (she had been snuggled up with me since 5 am) and, of course, she pronounced to us all in her Maria tone “IT’S MARIO’S BIRTHDAY FOLKS!”  And the day began.

Some of the Heile clan

Maria played with Mario for a bit in her room while Jon and I recovered from the night before.  We had gone down to Cincy for a pool party at Aunt Susie’s and Uncle Ken’s house.  We stayed in the pool most of the day and night with the kids jumping to us and all of the cousins goofing around with us and the kids.  Maria and Mario are spoiled beyond words down there with all of my “little” cousins (now ages 14 through 27) playing with them incessantly and paying every bit of attention to them.  Maria enjoyed jumping into the pool and then planting herself on a pink raft to sunbathe.  She also loved paying “mom” to Gracie who let her indulge in the fantasy for a while until Maria accidentally slipped off the edge and dunked her.  Mario enjoyed swimming like a fish and planting himself under water while he pumped his water gun full of water only to pop up out of the water to soak an unlucky soul.  He would kick his feet the entire time under water to keep him from sinking and when he rose up he would do the same to keep him afloat.  As Jon stated, the boy is like a navy seal.  He went non-stop all night long and didn’t fall asleep until we were 10 miles outside of Columbus (Maria was out within 10 miles of Cincinnati). 

The aunts spoiled him with presents again this year.  I purposely did not want to announce his birthday for the pool party because I did not want people to feel they had to get gifts.  But I should have known these aunts of mine would have done so any way.  He landed some awesome books, a spiderman dry erase board, a spiderman pez candy container, transformers, and a spiderman closet show holder with a mirror.  He stared in that mirror for three minutes fixing his spiked pool hair much to everyone’s delight.  Maria even scored some presents.  She got some sweet books and pez container and Nerds (her favorite – she is her Aunt Sarah’s niece)!  She also got time with her favorite boy cousins, Robert and Cy.  It is a joy to see the kids so alive and happy with their aunts and uncles and cousins – it reminds me of the fun I had as a kid with that crazy Heile clan. 

When Jon and I finally got out of bed (at a still early 7:35), Maria begged for us to give Mario his presents.  She is always taking care of him.  We agreed to let him open a few (he surprisingly was not begging at all to open them).  She wanted him to open the Incredible Hulk I bought for him but agreed to allow Maria to give him.  She also wanted to give him the toy gun we bought for him because she knew he would be so excited.  She has inherited the joy I get from watching people express happiness through a beautiful card, a song, or a new toy.  Mario opened his $1 spiderman book first and tossed it aside.  Next present, please.  I have got to train him to be more appreciative of his gifts no matter if he likes them or not.  The gun came next and he liked that one a little more but still wanted the next one.  It is as if he can’t assess if he truly likes a gift until he looks at them all.  The hulk was the finale and it was anti-climactic.  He looked at it and said “OH, the hulk.  I wanted the smaller one.”  Maria looked at him and said “You just broke my heart, Mario.”  Mario looked at me and I had my “You should apologize” look on my face and he looked back at Maria and said “this is awesome, Ri!”  And after the initial thrill of opening the presents, it was awesome because he played with the hulk and his gun all morning. 

We hit Tim Horton’s after the present ceremony for Mario’s timbits.  Next we headed to the river to pick out rocks to paint later in the day because we knew rain was coming.  FInally, we headed to the new house to see Jason painting and run around the basement.  We read Berenstein Bear s as we walked place to place in the stroller.  The kids favorite is “No More TV” and “No More Junk Food.”  We got home right when the rain came so they hopped in the bathtub.  We finally got out the bath crayons that we had to stash for the last month as we showed our house.  I thought it would be a good sign to the gods if I let them draw on the tub today because our buyer has until Wednesday to agree to purchase or to walk away and I know he is going to purchase which would mean no more showings and no more sparkling clean house every single day. 

Filled with hot dogs

After our bath, we hit Dirty Franks for some hot dogs and viewing of all the crazy rock stars painted on the walls.  After stuffing ourselves with dogs, we headed home to paint rocks and listen to music.  I actually found some Children’s Tunes to play for them but after the first few songs, they said “Mom, what about putting on “Baby Got Back?”  They are doomed!  After rocks, we played school with Maria teaching us how to share and giving us papers to take to our parents for volunteering for the school party.  I asked Mario if he liked his parents and he shook his head “yes.”  Maria asked him what were the names of his parents.  He smiled and answered “Mary and Jon, but I like to call them mom and dad.”  What a 4-year-old doll.         

Just one of those nights…

I love my children…

I love my children…

I love my children…

If I repeat this mantra one thousand times over, it will come true, right?! I had a rough night with the little buggers tonight.  It doesn’t help that I am exhausted between trying to sell our house, renovating the new one (why am I exhausted – Jon has been doing all of the labor!), and pouring over major projects at work.  

Mario's "mean" look

I came home to Mario watching tv and Jon in the shower and Maria over at her friend’s house.  Jon and I were both tired and Mario just wanted to fight and wrestle.  Every time that we tried to talk, Mario dove in between us wanting to play.  We scolded him.  We continued to talk.  He continued to try different ways to get us to wrestle.  We told him to stop.  He grabbed me around my neck and squeezed me.  I yelled at him.  Jon told him to stop, too.  We finally moved downstairs.  That was the start of the night. 

We ordered a pizza because it was definitely a pizza type of night.  Mario and I went to pick it up.  When we got there, I asked if he wanted to stay in the car or come in with me.  He wanted to stay in the car.  I asked again and got the same response.  I parked right in front of the door to the pizza joint, rolled down the windows a fourth of the way, and locked the doors.  As soon as I walked in the pizza shop and looked back through the window, I saw him standing up and crying.  I walked back out and he screamed and yelled and threw his fists.  “I wanted to come in, mom!”  I explained to him that he chose not to come in so it was too late.  He did not like that answer.  He got more mad and demanded we “do it over” so that he could go in with me.  We drove home together with him crying in the back seat and me ready to call it a night and hit the sack. 

When we got home, I got him out of the car and asked if he wanted to hold my hand to the house.  He refused.  As soon as I walked in the house, I heard sobs from outside.  “Mom, I wanted to hold your hand!”  I am proud of myself for keeping my cool when I felt like screaming “YOU ARE INSANE!” to him.  I calmly walked back outside and asked him if he wanted to “do it over.”  He did and we did it over and it was all better, somewhat.  At times, I think he may be dealing with OCD to some degree, and I can only hope it doesn’t get worse.  The question is: what should be my response when he acts this way?  Do I “do it over” in order to allow him to calm down and re-create the experience as he needs it to be or do I put my foot down and explain to him that I gave him a choice and he made his decision? I am in-between at this time.  If it is easy enough to “do over”, I do it over.  If not, I say forget it and try to explain to him the rationale as to why we aren’t doing it over. 

Doll baby girl

Maria had her issues, too, tonight.  I took her and her friend to the yogurt store tonight.  Her friend talked about eating McDonald’s for dinner.  Maria told her friend she didn’t really like McDonald’s but she ate it with her because she did not want to be rude.  Her friend told her that she did not have to worry about being rude – she needed to tell her if she did not like the food because her family does that.  Maria must have responded that she should not be friends with her then since her family is rude to each other and her friend got upset.  Maria can be a little bossy and domineering and I saw this come out in her tonight.  I scolded Maria about talking that way to her friend and she immediately went into the “you don’t love me mom” state.  I explained to her that she could not be so domineering with her friends and she explained to me that she felt weird around her friend and sometimes just didn’t want to be around her.  We decided maybe it was time to take a break from each other but that we did not need to tell that to her friend right at this time. 

When we got home, I felt spent.  Emotionally drained.  It is going to be so hard for me to see Maria go through her teenage years when I feel this concerned about a little tiff with her girlfriend.  I have got to learn to let it go more.  I want to be there for Maria and I want her to feel that she can talk to me but I can’t solve her every problem and shield her from life’s struggles (whether they be 6-year-old struggles or 30-year-old struggles) as much as I would like to do so.  Raising kids is a hard task at times – tonight, no doubt. 

Our two babes

I asked Maria to choose a book to read before bed and when I walked in her room, she sat there with the book Someday on her lap.  One of my favorite books to read to her.  It details a mother’s love for her daughter and shows the daughter with her daughter looking back at the times she had spent with her mother.  It is simply written and beautiful.  I used to read it to Maria when she was one and two years old, and I still remember one time I read it to her and started bawling.  She looked up at me and wiped away a tear coming down my cheek.  My doll baby.  I bawled even more when she did that and soon thereafter, she gave up with the wiping realizing that her mom was just an uncontrollable emotional freak at times.  And I remain as much five years later but at least I am an uncontrollable emotional freak that realizes her weaknesses and trigger points and tries to calm herself before adding to an already ridiculous situation.  If there is one important lesson these kiddies have taught me, it is that you must remain open to possibilities and new days and different modes of thinking.  They help me be an even better, more empathetic, more thoughtful, and less controlling person.  I gotta love ’em for that.

The city mice head to the country

The kids and I traveled out to Noble County last weekend to see Mama Meg and Peepaw and Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jorge.  And just as importantly, Stella, Mona and Rosie (the pups).  We jammed the last twenty minutes of the ride to Uncle Jack’s Alpine Ghost CD.  The kids love the first two songs of the CD because they are fast-paced and provide a beat that is easy to dance to wherever you are (car, bedroom, back yard).  Both of the kids break into dance while listening to the tunes but in completely different fashions.  Maria dances around like a nymph and Mario bangs his head and pumps his fists. 

As we drove up the gravel drive to the farm-house, we all sang loudly out of our windows to alert the crew that we had arrived.  The dogs took care of our arrival, also, by barking incessantly until we stopped the car and got out to acknowledge their presence.  They could not withhold their excitement; they knew that the kids would beg to get them out of their pen so they could play with them.  Little munchkin saviors.  And sure enough, within ten minutes of arrival, Mario was tossing a ball to Stella and Maria was trying to get Mona to do tricks for treats.  When Mona failed to adhere to Maria’s commands (she has only one leader – Aunt Sarah), Maria headed to the chicken pen.  She tried like mad to hold a chicken but they were in no mood to be touched.  She has the trick down – approach them quietly and calmly – but they still sense her presence and flee.  There is one female that loves Peepaw and Maria keeps her hopes up that if she stands around Peepaw long enough while he holds her, she will fall in love with Maria, too. 

We took a hike up to the swing a while later.  It still floors me after three years that my folks live on a farm with 40+ acres of land.  We can go out there whenever we want and hike through the woods looking at flowers and trees and mushrooms and caterpillars.  We can skim through the creek streaming alongside the trail and admire the slate soaking up the sunshine through the leaves.  We can study the circles on a fallen old oak tree to see how old it is and we can find all sorts of acorns and sticks to carry.  I love that the kids get this experience growing up.  I am a pure city girl so when I head into the woods with the kids, I feel like one, too.  I get excited at seeing a caterpillar on a tree limb or a big white-capped mushroom alone in a pile of clovers. 

After the hike, we ate a yummy wholesome meal and then visited the horses.  Taz and Sabe.  They are the most regal of creatures but I am still rather frightened of them.  I remember being eight or nine and being scared to death to ride on one by myself.  I still harbor that fear today when I saddle up.  I get nervous thinking about Taz trotting away.  But not Maria or Mario.  They saddle up on Taz and ride her around the ring like it is their business.  Mama Meg asks if they want to trot and there is no hesitancy: “YES” they reply.  What a treat for a six and three and year old.  The experience of riding and grooming and loving a horse – that has got to instill some seriously awesome life-long skills and lessons, doesn’t it?!  Seriously, I do feel like it raises their confidence and may push them to take on opportunities and challenges that they face as they get older.  Riding a horse is no easy task but they have always had the encouragement and patience of Mama Meg and Peepaw and now it is a rather easy task for them. 

We got to start a fire in the evening and make some yummy s’mores.  I could never tire of burnt marshmallows and chocolate and graham crackers.  Maria and I were going to town on the marshmallows while Mario “roasted” graham crackers.  The little guy found some way to actually get the spears of the tongs in the cracker without breaking it.  What a freak.  After we stuffed ourselves on those little sandwiches or goodness, the kids and I went down to our tent to call it a night.  Maria and Mario were adamant that they were going to sleep outside alone, especially Maria.  But within five minutes of wrapping herself in the sleeping bag in the tent, she allegedly got leg cramps and wanted to come inside.  Dad went outside with Mario and I rubbed Maria’s legs.  Within five minutes fo that, Mario wanted to come in to be near me.  He begged me to sleep with him outside so dad and I switched roles.  I am learning that it is much harder to sleep on the ground than it used to be ten years ago.  I was hurting and at about 1 am, I decided that it was time for Mario and me to hit the bed in the house.  I scooped him up while trying to hold the two pillows and flashlight and waddled up to the bed on the second floor of the house.  He was out cold.  I was not.  I could not get back to sleep for some crazy reason. 

Morning came and I heard tiny little voices.  Mario was asking Mama Meg if they could see Duke’s grave (their dog that died).  Maria was talking about something I could not understand.  I looked out the window at the meadow and at the morning sky and I felt happy as if everything was perfect for those few seconds.  Life was good and there was much for which to be grateful.  I breathed in that moment and remember it still.  I promised myself I would try not to forget it because it is a helpful talisman during those days of chaos and stress.  We packed up later in the morning but only after two rides on the bulldozer and backhoe from a neighbor who had them at the farm in order to build a riding ring for Meg-pie.  The kids were in heaven sitting in those big ol’ machines and moving gravel all over the place.  

We headed back to the house and gave kisses and hugs to Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jorge and Mama Meg and Peepaw.  We showered the dogs with treats and love.  We waved good-bye to the chickens and horses.  And we headed back down the country roads towards our city home packed full of country goodness.

We closed!

Maria showing off the house and Mario protecting it!

We did it! 

We closed on our new house at 10 am yesterday morning.  The sellers handed us the keys and the garage opener and wished us a happy life in the house they had lived in for 12 years.  The closing is a strange ordeal with a closing agent at the head of the table, Jon and I and our realtor on one side and the sellers and their realtor on the other and our bank representative at the other head of the table.  Papers fly across the table for you to sign and the print is so small there is no way to read it all unless you want to hold up the 6 other people in the room all day.  Besides, not like our bank or the title agency would change anything if I pointed to a clause I wanted to bargain.  They would chuckle and say “Good try” and that would be it.  Anyway, what’s not to trust about our bank?!  How could they try to do anything but be our buddy? 

My favorite appliance - the fridge!

Jon and I walked out of the closing feeling excited but a little sticker-shocked.  Nothing like having two mortgages to wake ya up to smell the coffee.  I was still fighting the sticker shock when we drove over to the new house.  I wanted to feel you were supposed to feel when you buy a new house – elated, on cloud nine, speechless.  Jon was near those emotions; why couldn’t I be?  We left and went back to work.  When I got home, the kids ran up to me and yelled about going to the new house.  Jon had told them we could head over.  I put on a smile and got changed.  I still felt ambivalent. 

The kids jumped out of the car and ran towards the front door.  They burst into the house and ran around the living room and family room.  They rolled on the floors.  They darted up the stairs to the bedrooms and the attic.  They loved everything.  As I watched them, I started to feel excited.  I let go of all of my worries about selling our current house, money, expenses and just let myself breathe in our new home.  The reasons for buying the house flooded my mind – holiday gatherings,

On the steps of the basement - their new playroom!

the go-to house for the kids’ friends, resting spot for traveling family and friends.  When I went to bed last night, I felt more relaxed and welcoming to our new home.  Today I met with Meg to discuss paint colors and carpet for the house.  She has a decorator’s eye, and we came away with some kick a—colors for the downstairs and ideas for the rooms.  When I rode my bike back to work, I caught myself smiling nearly the whole way, and thinking about how beautiful our new home would be and how great it would be to have our family and friends over to create a lifetime of memories.

Movin’ on out

Jon and I walked through our new house tonight after work to do one final check before closing tomorrow.  I love our downstairs – the living room has a beautiful bay window to sit in and read my Newsweek; the family room scream for movie nights with the kids; the dining room will embrace family on holidays; and the kitchen may finally be used for cooking dinners!  The upstairs freaked us out a bit.  The rooms are really small compared to our rooms here.  And there is zero closet space.  The bathroom upstairs is outdated.  We stared at each other for a few minutes knowing that we were both thinking “what the f— were we thinking buying this house with such small rooms?!”  I think it is the stress of not selling our current house that is coloring our excitement and concern about the new house.  After talking that out for a few minutes, we looked at the rooms in a different light and realized they were smaller than ours but still plenty big for the kids and us (nonetheless, we will knock out the wall to make a master bedroom for us eventually).  Besides, the bulk of our awake lives will be spent outside of the bedroom so why is a big bedroom necessary?  Mario’s room will fit his bed and a desk easily.  Maria’s room, too, and when she moves to the attic, she will have quite the spread. 

As we moved back downstairs and outside, our excitement re-emerged.  The back yard is charming with its flower border and wooden deck and basketball hoop against the garage.  The study will provide a nice refuge from the kids and a great writing nook for me.  The street is quiet.  This house hit us when we first walked through it – we both envisioned ourselves in it for the rest of our lives.  We saw the kids growing up in it with their friends coming over.  We saw our family arriving for the holidays.   So, we took a breath, gave each other a hug, and realized it is all going to work out just fine.  Our house will sell eventually (hopefully before we have paid it off!) and we will love and nurture our new home. 

When we got home, the kids ate macaroni and cheese on the counter while Jon and I continued to talk about the house.  Maria kept begging us to move out tomorrow (little does she realize how difficult it will be to transition); Mario just kept worrying about the colors of his room (“I want red and green and black”).  As I started to stress later in the evening about selling this house, mortgages, etc., I surfed the internet to take me away from it.  I found a site on gratitude.  I loved the idea of writing one thing you were grateful for each day.  I opened up a black journal and wrote the date.  I asked Maria what she was grateful for this day.  She mentioned mom and dad and Mario and Cy and school and our new house.  Mario mentioned mom and dad and sissy and Cy and his Wii girlfriend (yeah, ridiculous).  I even made Jon give me an answer because I believe that you give your body and mind a boost by just recognizing that you have things in your life to be grateful for and life is not as stressful as you may see it at a particular moment.  I mentioned being thankful for a gorgeous day that allowed me to ride my bike to work; for walking Maria to school this morning and seeing her smile at me when I left; for Mario greeting me while on a bike with dad during my walk back from the grocery; and for our new home that will bring us gems and enduring memories.