Category: Me

What more can I do?

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I got caught up today in my own thinking to the point of driving myself close to the edge.  In fact, I think I was teetering off the cliff’s edge when I finally jerked myself back and put it in perspective. 

Jon took the kids up to his folks for the day and I got to head south to Washington Courthouse for lunch at Bob Evans with my four best girlfriends from Cincinnati who I have known since first grade (one of them I met in high school but it feels like I have known her, too, since first grade).  My thoughts during the entire trip south were “what more I can do.” 

What more can I do at work? 

What more can I do for my organizations where I sit on the board? 

What more can I do for mothers who are in need of support after having a baby? 

What more can I do for men and women who face a scary world after being incarcerated?

What more can I do for Maria and Mario? 

And the list continues and continues and continues…. 

The same thoughts swirled through my head on the way home from the lunch and throughout the afternoon as I waited for the kids and Jon to arrive home.  I researched grant opportunities for my organizations; I read about ideas for assisting new moms; I learned about programs to help men and women released from jail. 

And then I sat. 

And I sat. 

Then I walked through the neighborhood. 

I become so overwhelmed with all of the ideas of what I could do to make this world better, and then I get irritated because I never act on them.  I shouldn’t say never.  I forward grants of interest to colleagues and my organizations.  I contact individuals about causes I believe in and try to make them more aware.  I educate Maria and Mario about giving back.  But, I feel like I do nothing because I want to do something BIG and HUGE and AMAZING and WIDESPREAD.  But how can I do that when I cannot even concentrate my energies on one cause?  And when I do concentrate on one cause, I still want to do something BIG and HUGE and AMAZING and WIDESPREAD so I have no interest in the little steps that may be necessary prior to such doing. 

As I walked home this afternoon, I thought about why I was hard on myself.  Why couldn’t I pat myself on the back for taking care of two kids, working full-time, serving as president of one organization and chairperson of another, keeping in touch with friends, loving my husband…?  Why did I feel like everything I did had to be a little more?  

I have an all-or-nothing mentality in every aspect of my life.  If I workout in the morning, I am good about what I eat throughout the day.  If I don’t workout, I eat candy and junk all day long.  If I workout, I do it intensely with a hard run and heavy weights.  If I don’t workout, I lay around all day.  If I get a project at work, I put all my energies in it.  If I am not the lead on a  project, I ignore it. 

So, I understand that this personality disorder rears its ugly face in all aspects of my life.  I know I need to continue to work on it while not losing sight of all of the causes that I am passionate about and want to advocate in the community.  It is difficult.  I want to do so much, so fast. 

I read in a book a few months ago that up to age 35 or 40, it is mostly ego.  You want the good job, the house, the nice clothes.  Then, all of a sudden your priorities change and you start to question what this life is about.  You want to have a purpose.  You want to feel like you have added something of value to this Earth.  Jon always laughs at me “Look at everything you do for people, look at your happy kids, look at what you sacrifice for your friends and family, look at the boards that you are on in the community.”  That is wonderful and good. 

But, clearly, I believe there is something more for me out there or I would not be struggling so hard.  I may need to calm my all-or-nothing attitude to some extent, but that does not mean I need to calm my quest to do more.

Ahh, the movies

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Yes!  For the first time in a long time, I went to the movie theatre for a 9:30 PM movie.  Jon’s parents took Maria and Mario for the evening and Jon’s leg was hurting so I went all by myself to see Colin Firth’s amazing performance in A Single Man (boy, is he a good lookin’ lad (of course, only topped by my hubby!)). 

There is nothing better in life then to go by yourself to a movie theatre, grab a popcorn and large drink and a box of Goobers, find the perfect seat just a few rows up from the middle aisle, plop down a few minutes before the movie to get adjusted, and then have the previews begin.  Ahhh.  The only issue I had tonight was that there was only one preview – I am one that likes at least four.  I simply melted into my seat, popcorn in my lap, pepsi (rather have coke but I had a night alone – I won’t bitch!) in the cup holder, and Goobers on the chair beside me.  I coul literally sit in a theatre all day long if someone would bring me refills of all the above.  I usually can’t sit still for a half of an hour at home but there is something magical about the movies for me.  I don’t know if it is because it takes me back to being a kid (I used to walk a mile to the Gold Circle Cinemas for a movie); takes me to another world for two hours; or whether I simply like the time alone in a big theatre with goodies and entertainment.  Whatever it is, thank you god for it.  

Meanwhile, that Pepsi and those Goobers are telling me who is boss right about now.  To the Tums and to bed for me!

My non-life plan

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I have always been jealous of people who have a life plan.  They have it all set out:

I will go to this school, get this degree, have this occupation, live in this state, get married at this age, have a baby at this next age…. 

I have NEVER had the ability to look five minutes ahead in my life, much less plan for years and years ahead.  I got my law degree eleven years ago.  I had no idea what I was going to do with the degree my last year of school.  Other classmates were interviewing, running around hysterically looking for references, networking at all the events.   I did nothing.  I happened to get a call from a friend of mine who worked at a local law firm as a secretary.  It was April or May, close to graduation, and I told her things were good but no job prospects yet.  She got me an interview at her firm and two weeks letter, I got an offer.  

I have thought about this lately because a young law student asked me where I see myself in five years.  Are you kidding?  I have no fricken’ idea!  I may be in my same job, I may be in my same house, I may have my same bicycle or I may be traveling to Africa to scout out a farm to which we could move (that is a dream and a whole other blog entry)…. 

I fear I may be too whimsical or not able to sit still long enough to figure out a plan.  But I really don’t think that is the case.  I think I simply enjoy living without self-imposed necessities.  “Necessities” because it is not that I don’t have goals for myself. I want to do more community service, I want to travel with Maria and Mario, I want to write more.  But I don’t want to impose on myself that I must make partner at a firm by 2015 or that I must buy a new car by 2016 or that I must publish an article by next year. 

Sar and Mar

Visiting my sis in Oaxaca

A lot of lawyers I know feel they cannot leave the law profession because that is not what they had planned and they would be failures.  Others feel they have to stay in that big house that costs way too much each month because that is what they had planned for themselves, and what would friends think if they moved into that little home out of the burbs? 

I am free of those fears, for the most part (of course, I would be remiss if I did not admit that there are times when I have concerns about what people are thinking when they walk in my home and it only takes 2 seconds to hit every room in it) but overall, I am comfortable with who I am.  I think that comfortableness stems, in part, from my refusal to structure a life plan for myself.  If I have to move from my little Grandview home into some apartment near a dump because I lose my job, so be it.  We will survive.   If my car breaks down and we have to take the bus or walk, so be it.  We will get some exercise.  If I move into a different profession, so be it.  Who is really going to care?

I don’t want to ever feel that my life has to be lived based on some external constraint.  I don’t want to work at a dead-end job that I despise to buy the most stylish shoes or stay in the most expensive home.  It is interesting with kids because they put a slight kink in that desire.  To some extent, you have to work, and maybe in a job that is not ideal, in order to be able to buy the diapers, the milk, the bottles.  But, you don’t have to work in order to buy Gap clothing or the bedroom tv or the nicest bike.   

I see people reasoning their continued employment in a hated job with just that: I have to do it to pay the bills, take care of the kids.  Indeed, I found myself doing it at times.  But, I try to stop myself soon after I begin down that path because in the end, I know I would be miserable.  And what good will I be to the kids at that point?  They would much rather have a stable, happy mother than have three extra barbie dolls (at least I think so!).   

I told the student that I have no idea where I see myself in 5 years except that I hope to have two creative, loving children at my side and a hubby who still makes me laugh and my family and a good pair of running shoes.  She seemed relieved at the answer, and we spent the next half hour just talking about our kids, our love of running, and good movies.

My Night in Food-Poisoning Hell

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I do have some understanding of what my personal hell will be if I should end up in that place when I pass someday. I got some mean, mad, fired-up food in my system on Monday and it took a vengeance on me Monday night. It crept up slowly causing me to hold my stomach and sit on the couch from 6 pm forward on Monday night.

The kids received a royal treat – two hours of Little Bear and Dora. “Mom, you need to get sick more often!” By their bedtime, I could barely move and I felt like my intestinal organs were doing double flips and cartwheels. Thank goodness my hubby was in town and could put the two tv-infested children to bed. I laid in my bed moaning and freezing and burning up and freezing until about 9:30 pm when I felt this monster in my stomach rearing its ugly head. I shot into the bathroom and proceeded to regurgitate what had to be every meal I have eaten since the age of 5. Then, just when I thought it could not get any worse, I had to shoot up and sit on the toilet for 20 minutes.

Maria and Mario were absolutely appalled and beside themselves with disgust (I stirred them from their sleep with my exorcist-like regurgitation – one of the downfalls of living in such a small abode). This same scenario recurred all the way through the night into the morning.  Every ten minutes I stared at the clock thinking “how is it possible that it only ten minutes has gone by!” I prayed that life would fast forward itself and take me out of this misery – I was bargaining with a higher power at any cost.  I even think I offered my first-born (sorry Maria) at one point (I would have gotten you back, Maria – no worries).  Until finally at around 8 am, I was able to drink some water without throwing it up like a fountain in the plaza.

My thirst was unquenchable throughout the night. I swore I was on a desert island (minus the beautiful blue skies and palm trees) craving water, water, water.  It was like a piece of heaven when I could actually take a sip and have it stay in my system. Little by little I ventured a couple more sips until I was able to chug 4 ounces without a problem. Nothing like taking certain things for granted in life. Every time I drink a glass of water now, I will remember how precious it is (or at least for another week or two when my memory of this hellish night will fade)!

I am back with the living today, and making sure that I perform a lot of good deeds to avoid any thought that I will be down yonder upon my last breath. Where is the next elder I can help across the street?

No one always gets what they think they will get

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I am sitting here on my computer with the tv blaring behind me. My hubby is watching Conan O’Brien’s last show, and I cannot help but glance over my shoulder every time I hear something that catches my ear.  I am a sentimental soul so when Conan starts thanking his viewers for watching him and talking about having no regrets, my ears perk up.  He ends with a request to his viewers, especially the younger ones.  I paraphrase: “Do not be cynical. No one always gets what they think they will get and that is life.  Just be thoughtful and kind and it will work out.” I appreciate that he chose to give these words to his fans and viewers – words that validate why we love him. Too often we get caught up in seeing the worse in every person, thing, event in front of us that we auto pilot into cynical and agitated and abrasive. Conan could have easily done this on his last night but he chose to take himself to a higher and more peaceful state, and in the wake of his choice, he took his fans and viewers there, also.  I  learned about this concept of assuming positive intention through a culture shaping program that I lead at my work. The concept resonated with me from the moment I learned of it, and I work to practice it every day between the emails I receive, the calls I answer, and the colleagues and clients I interact with daily. It is tempting to go to auto pilot, which for me is assuming the most negative intention possible out of anything.  I get an email that questions something I did and I automatically assume that I did something wrong; I have someone tell me that they don’t need me to work on something and I automatically assume that they think I cannot complete the task….  But, if I can just assume positive intention, my mood and thoughts leap forward.  Just one email or one meeting where I assume the positive in someone propels me in a better direction and the end of my day feels lighter, like I can breathe easier.  So, thank you Conan for reinforcing this concept for me tonight as I begin to wade through my emails from work. You have reversed my auto pilot to positive!