Mario’s trophy

November 14, 2012November 14, 2012Leave a comment

Mario finally received his trophy for flag football. He’s been talking about his award ceremony for weeks questioning when it would happen and dreaming about what he would receive. Jon and I figured there would be trophies for the boys but weren’t sure. We kept telling him that he should just focus on seeing his football buddies and having fun.

He could barely eat his dinner last night his body was so pumped with adrenaline. He ran around the kitchen doing kicks in the air and asking “how much longer until my awards?”

We arrived at the middle school and boys from ages 5 to 11 were running around the cafeteria pulling at each other and sliding across the floor. Mario found his nirvana and joined right into the mix. It is at once heartening and disheartening to see your little boy making school-age friends and hanging out on his own. Part of me wanted him to sit on my lap like he used to as a toddler and play with my hair or clutch my hand. But the other part of me loved to watch him spread his wings and engage with this group of boys who would be his buddies for years to come. Jon and I agree that he will be quite the social butterfly.

When the coach called his name to receive his trophy, he had a smile so wide I thought it might come off his face. He shook the coach’s hand and sat down. He promptly admired his trophy for the next ten minutes. When he finally got up and came to show Jon and me, he exclaimed “I was the leader and did the best on the team so I got the highest number – 2000 and something.” He was pointing at the date “2012” on his trophy. Jon and I just let him continue on with his musings.

Ri was the sweet, cheerleader sister congratulating him on his trophy. When he first received it, she looked sadly at Jon and me and whispered “I don’t have one yet.” We reassured her that we were sure she’d get one if she kept practicing hard. She quickly changed her demeanor to one of joy when Mario walked over. That is one of Ri’s best traits – supporting others even if she feels a bit jealous. She is so mature in that area.

Of course, Mario’s first words as we left were “has Maria ever gotten a trophy like me?” We told him he is not in a competition with his sis. Maria and I rolled our eyes at each other while Mario held on tight to his trophy.

Drawing woes

November 13, 2012November 14, 2012Leave a comment

Ri and Mario and I sat at the kitchen table a couple of nights ago and drew. We play a game where someone names an animal or thing and everyone draws it. My drawings are always the worst, and the kids find much humor in them.

However, on this particular night, we decided to use Maria’s animal sketch book from the library to help us out. It showed the steps you had to take to get the animal you wanted like starting with an oval and ending with a cute pig. I like the book because it allows me a step-by-step process to get a finished result.

We started with a deer. Mario and I were working away. I had gotten close to completion with a deer that actually resembled a deer for once and showed my drawing off. Maria was amazed. “How’d you draw that so well, mom?” I looked at her drawing and couldn’t tell what she had made. This is unusual for Ri. She typically draws animals that you recognize immediately. She looked over at Mario’s drawing and saw that he was on his way to making a pretty good deer, too. She lost it.

“I hate drawing! Hate it! I am no good at it and I never will be!” She threw her marker in the bin and charged upstairs. Mario shrugged his shoulders and carried on as if a fly had just whizzed by but was now far away. He began to draw a rhino after his deer. Pretty amazing how well he drew when he had detailed steps.

And then it struck me. Mario and I are total left brainers. We think linearly and need set instructions in order to best draw an object. Maria is a right brainer. She sees an object with her own mind and draws it how she sees it. Requiring her to follow steps hinders her process rather than boosting it.

I walked upstairs to comfort her, andI got attacked.

“I can’t draw! I am dumb! D-O-M, dumb!”

I wanted to laugh at the irony of her calling herself dumb and how she spelled it (I knew she was stressed because she knows how to spell “dumb”) but figured she’d go into major distress so I just sat still. Maria went on about how her cousin Alana draws so well.

“Maria, she draws for hours in the day. She doesn’t do as many things outdoors as we do so she draws a lot instead.”

Maria looked up at me with a glare. “We’ll then it’s your fault for making me go outside so much!”

Oh, we have a lot to teach that girl when it comes to accountability.

I hugged her again and brought her downstairs to work on drawing anything she wanted. I explained to her about being right-brained and she seemed to understand that concept (because she is right-brained!). I told her how lucky she was that she could draw an animal without having to follow detailed steps. I reminded her ridiculous my animals looked when I didn’t have detailed instructions. She laughed at the thought of them.

She began drawing a girl in a gown and then a boy with a bow tie. She wrote “mom and dad” next to the drawing. It was us on our wedding day. Meanwhile, Mario kept cranking on that rhino.

Yeah, I’m good

November 12, 2012November 12, 2012Leave a comment

“I’m really proud of myself, mom.”

“Yeah? Why, buddy?”

“Because I’m getting an award tomorrow night at my football ceremony. I worked really hard to get it. I didn’t know how to play football but now I’m good.”

I looked in my rear view mirror and watched Mario stare intently ahead as he spoke to me about his upcoming award. How is it that a five-year old could exude this confidence and pride so easily and I could not at age 41?!

I thought about Ri and how I could never imagine those words coming out of her mouth. Countless studies confirm that boys tend to be more self-confident and aggressive than girls. Every single time I walk in to my boss’s office to negotiate my salary, I think about my dad’s advice long ago: “You can’t feel bad about demanding a higher salary. If you think it’s what your worth, ask for it and don’t look back.” And this coming from a man with scruples and compassion and no desire to beat everyone up the corporate ladder.

I began to respond back to Mario with advice to not get too cocky about his achievement. But then I stepped back and stayed quiet. It’s not as though he was parading around chiding “I’m the best ever.” He was simply being honest in telling us how much he had accomplished and how excited he was about it. Good for him.

Something I should probably do for myself more often than I do – just like buying a new pair of running shoes or treating myself to a massage. A few kudos directly to myself be it as simple as getting Ri to school on time or reading Mario a cool book or as complicated as orchestrating a family Thanksgiving meal or pleasing an irate client.

Maybe the more I pat myself on the back, the more comfortable I will feel touting my accomplishments when necessary, and the closer I’ll get to that darn salary I deserve…!

Wonder Woman Saves the Week

November 10, 2012November 10, 2012Leave a comment

This week felt like it lasted 30 days. My birthday on Monday created momentum for a perfect week but Tuesday quashed that momentum ten-fold. Work was intense and maddening with a score of phone calls every hour and fire-alarm situations. I didn’t get to vote in the morning so I was stressed all day about getting to the polls. I had this burning sensation that I would not get my vote casted in time and then NBC news would announce “Obama lost Ohio by one vote” and I’d be scarred for life.

Chalk another win up for women’s intuition. When I made it to the polls at 5:30 pm, I was excited to see only two people in line. The guy ahead of me shuffled back and forth and mumbled something to the poll worker. The worker shook his head sadly and stated “if your license is expired, you need a bank statement or utility bill.” I thought “what an idiot. How can you not check on your license before this big election?!”

And then I panicked. Hard. My birthday was November 5 – one day before the election. I was sure it had not expired this year – that would be crazy and unfair. I, not that guy in front of me, was extremely busy raising kids, working, volunteering, helping out Democrats, for goodness sake! If my license had expired, it should magically re-set to an expiration date of 2016 because that was only right.

I pulled out my license and there it was staring at me: Exp:2012. You got to be kidding me. I showed it to the worker just in case he thought it was still November 5 but I lost that one. I darted home to find a bank statement. I rummaged through garbage. I ripped out drawers. Nothing. Damn electronic banking.

Then my sitter saved me. “Fifth Third is open until 6:00 tonight”, he said matter-of-factly. Now that is cooperation and maturity. I believe him to be a Romney supporter yet he still coughed up those words that would allow me to possibly get in my vote. I high-fived him and the kids and sped to the bank. No line and a bank statement in three minutes. Thank the Lord. I got my vote in by 6:15 and all was good. But I crashed and burned when I got home from the furor of the day. Ri broke down a few hours later when we turned on the news to see the election status and I read from the tv “Romney 51% and Obama 49%.”

“My world won’t be safe, mom. Our world will never be the same if Obama loses.” Genuine fear and concern poured out of my bleeding heart liberal girl. I tried to clam her down but she sniffled herself to sleep.

She woke up at 6:15 begging to turn on the tv. She was ecstatic when she learned that Obama won. When Mario realized it was over and Obama prevailed, he switched sides and yelled “Yeah, Obama!” He is a fair-weathered fan making sure he always sides with the victor.

Jon had left for Illinois on Tuesday and caught that nasty flu going around. He got holed up in a hotel for two days and made it home Thursday with barely enough energy to make it up the stairs. Poor thing. I was going nuts by Friday morning and the kids could sense I needed an early morning run. We bundled up and Ri rode her bike while I strolled Mario. It was a glorious break from the car and the indoors where I had found myself all week.

Then, Mario dropped my iPad and it shattered. This week was not gonna give me a break.

I decided I needed to put my mind elsewhere and not go off on Mario; after all, I let him walk with it unprotected so I assumed some risk…. I went in the dining room and leafed through the mail. I had a little package from my sis! I had assumed it was for Jon as most packages are that come to our house. I ripped it open needing some type of sisterly goodness to get me in a better mood. And she did not disappoint.

Again, women’s intuition. Sar knew just what I needed with that magnet espousing power (then again, it’s a pretty sure-bet that after working, raising two kids, staying active, and volunteering all week such a magnet would be a boost for any mama).

The card’s words from Walt Whitman comforted me. I felt Sarah giving me a big Menkedick sister hug as I read Walt’s words and Sarah’s words in it. And then she topped the gift off with a photocopy of Ms. Magazine’s current issue cover. Yes, it’s Wonder Woman for all my 70’s gals who grew up watching. She got a subscription to Ms. magazine for me. I love it.

I took a step back from the table and looked at the pictures Sarah also sent of the kids and Jon at the farm. Jorge’s eye captured the kids’ joy and Jon’s manliness! I brushed my finger over them and smiled… wide and long.

Birthday No. 41

November 7, 2012November 7, 2012Leave a comment

I opened the front door and Maria dashed down the stairs and chirped “Happy Birthday!” I heard a wail from the top of the stairs. Mario mourned at the failure to wish me a happy birthday first. He showed his anger by yelling “you are the worst sister and mom ever!” And so began my 41st birthday.

Jon had a “shape it up” talk with the kids, and after 10 minutes, they arrived in our bedroom bearing cards and gifts. Maria showed me her cards first. I had told her that all I wanted for my birthday was a poem and a cool picture. I knew I was asking a lot because Ri is not a big gan of drawing unless it’s pictures of glamorous girls. I try to get her to sit down and make something but it’s always a fight. So, I wasn’t expecting anything too elaborate, if anything at all. But she came through with a quirky poem and even a picture for me. Mario drew his signature multi-colored blocks picture that I always admire and a stick figure of himself. Precious.

They also grabbed a few items from the basement to give as presents truly believing that I had never seen them before. Maria grabbed the framed baby pictures of her and Mario. Mario gave me a book I bought a long time ago at the used book store and never read titled “An Unknown Woman.” Perfect for turning 41.

I hugged them both with mad intensity and thanked them for being so generous. As we made our way downstairs, Ri looked back at me with an excited look on her face. “Are you taking off work today, mom?” I answered “I wish.” She started to pout. “I wanted to stay home with you today, mom.” And she pouted the entire way to school refusing to kiss me goodbye when she left the car.

It feels wrong and inequitable that a seven year old’s attitude can have such a negative impact on an adult. I got ready for work thinking ” It’s my fricken’ birthday and I have this attitude all around me?” Really?!

I tend to idealize how events will turn out and 95% of the time, that leads to disappointment. So I have been trying to be conscious of that habit and avoid it.

However, that habit had reared it’s ugly head on my morning run and as I stepped into our house, I framed a perfect scene with my kids and hubby greeting me at the door holding elaborate cards and smothering me with kisses. Then they’d sing happy birthday and tell me how I am the greatest mom and wife on Earth.

Seriously?! What mom has ever experienced such an event? Pretty sure not even June Cleaver.

I took a deep breath as I pulled my bike up to the front entrance of my work. I looked around me. The sun was finally out. I had gotten to bike to work. Jon was taking me out in the evening. The kids had been sweet in the morning and only hot excited because they wanted to spend MORE time with me. Really, life was pretty good.

When I walked in my office, a bright pink and black package sat on my desk with a card. All of my colleagues had signed the card and I discovered an assortment of fine chocolates in the package. Always a good way to start a day.

My busy day received welcome interruptions from distant friends and relatives sending messages and close friends and family calling.

My sister left me the most hilarious message singing “Happy Birthday To Freak” on my voice mail (it’s a Menkedick tradition to call each other “freaks.”). My mom left me a “you are still young” message reiterating how active and vibrant I remained at the ripe old age of 41. My dad and Meg left separate messages sending their love. My mother-in-law called me with good news about her heart tests and wished me a great day. My brother met out with me for a coffee and a brisk Fall walk. I received a lovely card from Jon’s brother and family. I felt immensely loved, and that’s a darn tootin’ good feeling.

After work, I received my ultimate present – Perkins Pancake House! But before we could head out, Mario pounded out some fine pieces of craftsmanship for me. He has learned quite the hand-eye coordination to hammer nails. I kept cringing as he hammered the nails into the wood but he made it through with no bloody fingers.

When we walked into Perkins, a torrent of memories flooded my brain. The muffin case, the kitchen, the booths. I waitressed at Perkins (as did many of my Heile aunts) for six years through high school and college. Waitressing at Perkins left an indelible mark on my speech – I still call people “hunny” and “dear.”. That’s all good and fine when it’s Jon or the kids but when it’s my boss, it’s not cool. I met a lot of struggling, flawed, surviving-on-a-shoestring folks working at Perkins and they taught me a heck of a lot about life. hard work, laughter, compassion, friendship to name a few. I wish I could find Annie, the bucktoothed mama of five who rode three buses to get to her morning shift at 5:30 am. Or Jessie, the black patch wearing night shift manager who carried a billy club by his side all evening. I never felt scared with him around. These folks were my extended family and I loved them dearly.

Perkins not only formed my speech but also my taste buds. I fell in love with Perkins’ food, especially the pancakes. They have a buttery lightness to them that I have not found anywhere else.

I could barely contain my excitement at work; I bragged about heading to Perkins at every meeting. People laughed thinking I was kidding. They need to make a trip and they will be converted. The men were jealous of Jon wishing their wives were as cheap of a date as me. I’d pick Perkins over Hyde Park any day.

And dang if the food didn’t taste just as good as I had imagined – absolutely delicious. I savored every last bite while the kids and Jon found immense pleasure in my giddiness. If I ever lose my job, I am heading back to Perkins.

I felt so incredibly happy when I walked out of Perkins. The kids might as well had stars swooning their bodies and Jon a halo over his head – they were my angels and had absolutely made my night by feeding me pancakes and providing me the best of company.

And asif it couldn’t get any better, it did! We picked up a Giant Eagle sheet cake and ice cream. Yes, I ate a huge piece of cake with ice cream within one hour of demolishing pancakes. What are birthdays for?

Mario sang happy birthday to me for the third time that night and Ri videotaped it (she is going to be a videographer at some point in her future). Jon wrote me a sweet card and I scored free massages and a gift certificate to FrontRunner. Nothing better.

At the end of the evening, I laid in bed staring at the muted light streaming through our blinds. I thought about the angst of my 20’s – trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to be. My 30’s – feeding my ego, graduating law school, working in the white tower firm, marrying my man, and having two babies. And then my 40’s – starting the decade off with my girlfriends in Italy. How apropos to start my 40’s, I thought.

I think these next few years will be for me to enjoy myself – travel, take long runs, eat good food (Perkins!), watch a movie in an actual theatre, meet up with friends, read enthralling books with M&M, connect more with my siblings, get lost in Jon. Enjoy all I have accomplished and endured these last 41 years, and give myself a little break. Laugh a little more. Do something spontaneous. Be silly and wild. Dig into nature. Watch an Oscar-nominated movie. Celebrate who I am and who I love and feel comfortable in my own skin.

Ahh, nice.

Love no matter what

November 5, 2012Leave a comment

My sis recommended a heart-warming blog titled “Star in Her Eye” narrated by a mother, Heather Kirnlanier whose baby girl has a genetic disorder, Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome. It is serendipitous timing as I just began the book “Expecting Adam” by Martha Beck about a mother raising a baby boy with Down Syndrome. Both writings challenge the cultural view towards special needs children and reinforce a mother’s love for her child no matter what the ailments.

One of Kirnlanier’s blog entries describes a time prior to conceiving her child when a friend of hers told her that an acquaintance had given birth to a baby with Down Syndrome. She expressed her condolences to the friend and they both gossiped about how hard it would be to have such a child. She cringes at the thought of talking and feeling that way now that she has her own special needs child. She acknowledges that surely there are medical difficulties with a special needs child – quite profound ones possibly – but she challenges our thinking that such difficulties should inhibit us from moving forward with rearing such a child.

How many of us have said “My babies are growing up too fast?” Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a child that develops just a little more slowly so that you have more time to “smell the roses, to see in all its minutiae the subtle learnings of a little girl?” How many of us spend an inordinate amount of time raising children only to feel an immense pain when they leave the nest? A special needs child likely requires care throughout her life; how wonderful to have a lifetime with your little babe. Change your thinking and change your world.

I remember watching a mom and her son with Down Syndrome walk into Maria’s kindergarten class a few years ago. My immediate thought was “what a woman she is; that has got to be hard.” After getting to know the mom and hearing Maria talk about class-time with her son, I began to get a small glimpse into this “hard” life I imagined for mom and son. Sure, the mom had her days when she was ready to wring her son’s neck because he would not eat his breakfast before school or he refused to take off his coat when they got into the classroom. How many days was I ready to scream at the top of my lungs because Maria took forever to get dressed? How many mornings did I walk away irritated with her because of her snippy attitude? But this mom also had precious moments with her son – riding their tandem bikes around town; picnics at the park; long, thoughtful discussions about why flowers bloomed in the Spring; and hard laughter when the mom sang her son a certain song. He brought her more joy than she could have ever imagined before he entered her life and that is all that mattered.

We have a cultural bias towards everything perfect – “perfect” being size 2 bodies, no grey hair, wrinkle-free…and able-bodied. “Ableists” as Kirnlanier points out by way of Wikipedia, believe that a disability or imperfection is a mistake or failing rather than a simple stamp of human diversity. It takes people like Kirnlanier and Beck to reverse this type of thinking. Hearing their stories drives open your mind and strips away any inherent cultural bias in you. How could it not? These kids are just like mine and my friends – they enjoy watching bubbles float in the air, smelling flowers, laughing at their silly parents, listening to music, and feeling immense love from their mamas.

Gotta love Chris Rock

November 4, 2012November 4, 20121 Comment

You gotta love Chris Rock on YouTube.

Thank god for some humor this close to the election.

Vote Obama!

Best day of my life

November 2, 2012November 2, 2012Leave a comment

Mario could not sit still all morning. It was his big day to go hunting with Jon. I can’t believe I missed taking a picture of him in his camo shirt and pants. He searched the closets for his camo hat, too.

Jon and he made it to the woods around 1:30 in the afternoon. Jon informs me that Mario was beside himself with joy. He turned to Jon after sitting with him in pure silence for 20 minutes and whispered “this is the best day of my life.” Wrap it up with a bow – it doesn’t get much sweeter than that folks.

Meanwhile, I had the pleasure of picking up Ri and her two girlfriends and taking them to Bob Evans for dinner. I picked Ri up from Kids Club and her friend, Ceylone begged to go with us, which led Ri to beg to let her come with us, which led her friend Janira to beg to come, which led all three of them to beg to come with us. Ceylone’s mom and Janira’s mom thought I was nuts but I actually enjoy these types of outings.

I sometimes dream about what the outings will entail: we’ll talk about their day at school, they will ask me pressing questions they have as young girls, I will answer with rapturous stories making them squirm in their seat anxious for my next word.

Reality: They play on my iPhone until their food comes. They scarf it down. They run-off.

I gladly delivered them to the school at 6:00 pm for three hours of Math Club -Kids Night Out. Gotta love those teachers working all day and then hosting this event. They jumped out of the car and ran to the side door. I told them it was locked but they didn’t believe me. When they tried to open it, they all turned to each other and yelled “we got schooled!” Heaven help me.

They let me snap a quick picture before they headed in and I lost them in the crowd of excited second graders running into one another to get to the gymnasium. I had just settled at Stauf’s a half hour later when I got a text from Ri’s teacher telling me Ri felt sick. So much for my three hour block of alone time.

But at least I know I will get some cuddle time with my girl tonight.

Halloween 2012

November 1, 2012November 1, 2012Leave a comment

We rocked out Halloween as best as we could last night. It was 39 degrees and sprinkling, then raining. But the kids sensed their mom’s desire for chocolate and cranked a few long blocks. Mario got his competitive bug in him for the first 20 minutes and ran from house to house asking “could you do this when you were little, mom?” But then Ri and Zach and Jeffrey caught up with us and Mario got mad because he wanted to be alone with me.

He made it another block before he complained about being cold. He had decorated a little felt bag for candy at school and it was filled to the brim (I always had a pillow case full but I won’t rub it in to Mario – he’d be livid!). I dropped him back at my friend, Amy’s house, and headed back out with Ri and the boys. Amy dressed up her tiny pooch who yapped the entire way as we passed by trick-or-treaters. Between the pup and the crazy kids running all over the place, we were in need of some soothing chocolate (or whiskey but houses weren’t giving that out!). We wrapped up the show around 8:00 and headed home. On the way back, I remembered that UDF had free ice cream cones for kids dressed up in costumes. I can’t miss a freebie!

Cowgirl and Alien Boy walked out with cotton candy ice cream and I walked out with a two dip peanut butter-n-chip sundae. Then we came home, got in our pjs and topped that ice cream goodness off with Snickers and Butterfingers.

Tailypo

October 31, 20121 Comment

Halloween week has brought 25 degree days and snow even!

Our poor little frozen pumpkins.

The kids have not been as excited about Halloween this year as in past years. We went to Target a few weeks ago to find costumes – Maria picked up some sleazy adult ones and when I nixed them, she went for the cowgirl costume. Mario debated between a few – I pushed for the Hulk – but ended up with a Redaki costume (only because it had a sweet mask). And after that trip to Target, there has not been much ado about Halloween. In years past, they would have been begging to change their costume after seeing a cooler one on tv or they would have been asking how many days until Halloween. Do they already feel too old to celebrate?!

Ri probably does based on her comment this morning to me. I bought her a turtleneck with gold stars on it to match her cowgirl outfit and she refused to wear it swearing that she “looks like a sissy baby in it.” Attire choices in the teenage years are gonna be horrid.

Mario is just way too focused on hunting with his dad this weekend to care about Halloween. Either that or his teacher, Mr. Park, has scared the zest for Halloween out of him by reading him the book, Tailypo. This past weekend, Jon was upstairs and Mario was downstairs. Jon heard a wail and shouted down to Mario. Mario continued to wail at the top of his lungs and had giant tears falling down his face when he ran up to Jon.
“I saw a monster downstairs. We read a story about a monster whose tail gets cut off and a man eats it and the monster kills the man to get it back. I’m scared of that monster.”

He slept with his arm on Jon’s body all night. Each night since, he has begged for me to go upstairs with him to get dressed because he’s so scared of the dark. He has slept in our bed way too many nights due to Tailypo. Thanks, Mr. Park.

The kids got a bit more into the spirit of Halloween on Monday night when we went to Ri’s school for pumpkin carving. I sported a huge cutting knife in my satchel, which felt very awkward carrying into a school. I bought two huge pumpkins to carve since the kids were not impressed with the baby ones I brought home last week. Maria went to town on her pumpkin but Mario ran around like a mad man playing with our next door neighbors’ kid, Paxton. He finally sat himself down to carve when Paxton tired out.

As we were carving, they drew a kid’s name every half hour. The winner got a small prize. Paxton won the first time. Mario and I were almost finished carving his pumpkin when they drew names again. They drew Mario’s name! He was charged up and came running back to me saying “I won!” A few minutes later, I deciphered what he meant by “I won” when he said “I won first place because my pumpkin is cool.” I explained to him that names were drawn and that’s how he and Paxton won a prize but he wanted nothing of that explanation. Now I know how scientists feel when they are talking cold hard facts about climate change and people dismiss them as not true. Mario refused to believe that he won for any other reason than he was the best. Imagine that.

So here we are on Halloween day. Hurricane Sandy blew in on Monday night and her remnants are still felt in Ohio (our love and support for the East Coast residents). It’s cold and rainy and grey. It’s supposed to rain during trick-or-treat tonight. But I think the kids will be ok with it based on their chill attitudes so far. I, on the other hand, am supremely upset because I look forward to mounds of candy to pick from all week long. Looks like I will have to hit the stores tomorrow for the 50% off sales.

"MOM!"

Adventures in the Life of a Working Mama