Category: Me

Come on 40 – bring it on!

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Ri singing me happy birthday!

Really, did November 5 come again this year?  Maybe we skipped over the 5th straight to the 6th?  No, I feel one year away from 40 – November 5 hit for sure.  The legs are tight when I wake up, the knees creak a bit when I stand, I have to adjust my eyes for a few minutes to focus, and by the time the sun rises, I would have gone to the bathroom at least twice.  Ugh.

Riding in the Pelotonia

But I also have an incredible cadre of friends, two crazy spastic kids, one hilarious hubby, a heckuva cool family and good health.  Speaking of health, my birthday day started off with a long run and morning at the gym to lift weights (yeah, my hubby can think of about 1000 different activities that he would rather engage in on his birthday morning!).  I came home to a kiss from my girl even though I was sweaty (typically she makes me shower before coming near me) and a “hello” from my boy who did not change his position of refusing to touch me before I showered. 

I walked Maria to school (riding her almost the entire way on my shoulders since we were running late – a daily occurence).  After dropping Ri off, I headed into work to be greeted by brownies from my assistant and happy birthday greetings from my Facebook friends.  Man, you can start to get a big head when you see all of the FB birthday wishes on your birthday.  I started bragging to my young cousin about all my birthday greetings, and she quickly informed me that all people have to do is hit a button in order to get an automatic happy birthday wish to “friends” of theirs.  Ahh, well, keep me humble.   

Maria presenting me the gifts she wrapped.

I picked up Mario from school.  When I walked in his classroom, I got that gigantic Mario smile and that wonderful scream “Mama!”  When Mario and I stepped in the house, Maria was wrapping my gift with Jon.  Jon looked at me amazed.  “Do you know that your daughter is Martha Stewart? I wrapped your gift and reached down for tape and she had already tore a piece off and stuck it on her arm for me to use.” She LOVES to prepare gifts for people.  She loves cutting the wrapping paper, wrapping the gift, taping the paper, drawing designs on the paper, and presenting it.  She could not wait to give me my gifts.  She also asked Jon to buy my a card that she thought was hilarious.  It was a picture of a woman with gigantic boobs caught in metal traps on the ground.  Her husband is yelling “I told you to watch out for the booby traps!”  She sees that card with me when we are in Giant Eagle and she always takes a look at it.  I guess all along she has been secretly wanting to get it for my birthday.  Gotta love her humor.  She had Mario give me a card with a girl lifting weights since I love to workout.  She is precious.  

Sweet angel sleeping away.

We had Jon’s family over for cake and ice cream.  My favorite – sheet cake and chocolate chip ice cream.  Heaven on earth.  Everyone took off around 9 pm (including Mario who headed home with Grandma and Grandpa with no resevations – he LOVES heading north to be with them), and Maria and I played for a while.  She started to get tired around 10 and I took her up to lay with her in my bed.  I don’t think five minutes passed before we were both snoring away.  My dad came over at 10:30 after watching my brother play in his concert, but I had already passed out.  Pretty bad when your old man can party it up later than you.  But, hey, I gotta cut myself a break – my dad is a frickin’ machine. 

Ri came back into our bed at 5 am, and snuggled against me to get warm.  There are not many other things that I can think of that bring me as much comfort as my girl’s arms wrapped around me and feet warm under my side (except for Mario on my other side doing the same).  The sun rose a few hours later, and I opened my eyes to my first day at age 39.  Bring it on, baby – 40 is still a whole year away!

Chunky

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My intrepid, no holds-barred girl!

“You’re chunky.”

 
 “Yeah, you are chunky!”

Laughter erupted amongst the kindergarten boys and girls as they looked at Maria – the subject of the comments.  Maria stood in line waiting to march back in the school from recess.  She informed her teacher.  The teacher’s response: both kids who shouted the comments to Maria got “yellow” marks for the day (one below the best mark – green). 

One of the kids’ mother, Angie, texted me while I facilitated a retreat that same afternoon.

“Anna needs to apologize to Maria today. Please call me when we can come over.”

After my retreat, I called Angie to get the scoop.  “I cannot believe that Anna would say that to Maria – I am so sorry.”  She continues to tell me how awful she feels and how she sat Anna down to talk to her about how those words could hurt her friends’ feelings.  She asked Anna how she would feel if someone came up to her and said she had an ugly nose.  Anna started crying immediately.     

We hung up the phone.  I stared into the dining room at Maria drawing a picture.  I felt a mixture of emotions.  Anger ranked as the overwhelming one at that moment.  Anger not so much towards Anna but towards this deep-rooted ideal that girls must be skinny in order to be beautiful, and this ideal entering into kindergarten of all places.  To five-year olds.  This weight thing is such a struggle for most women.  I have found many a day that I spend an excessive amount of time worrying about what to eat or irritated about how my jeans fit that I lose track of the big picture – living.  I don’t want Maria to become pre-occupied with her weight to the detriment of living.  I want her to be how she is now: ready to chow down on a piece of cake in front of her, willing to put on her ballerina outfit and dance around the room, proud of her strength, at ease with looks.  However, I can already sense a bit of doubt about how she thinks she looks.  She gets angry at times while putting on her jeans when they won’t button easily.  She looks at her face in the mirror and scrunches up her eyes while complaining “I am not beautiful.” 

Maria and Anna at their Halloween party

Society certainly does not help with all of the magazines and tv shows flaunting 100 pound women smiling, having fun, surrounded by friends.  While I was thinking of the comments to Maria, I wondered to myself whether I would have been as angry if kids called her “ugly” or “stupid.”  I would have been angry because I don’t want people to be mean to MY child but I would not have been as angry.  Why?

Because I struggled with my weight and listened to people call me “chunky.”  I have witnessed first-hand how difficult it can be to persevere and how crappy it makes you feel.  How you second guess yourself and become pre-occupied with it.  I have seen my friends do the same.   

But really, what I have found as I raise Maria is that a lot of the time I get so angry about something, I can look back at my life and see where I was hurt by it.  And that was no different in this situation.  These kids said something mean to Maria.  They could have told her she was ugly, or had a huge nose, or dressed goofy.  Maria would have been hurt by that, also.  I think making a national event of such comments because they deal with “the weight issue” may be perpetuating the issue more than resolving it.

My girl and me

The mom of the other kid, Zach, called me later in the evening and asked if Zach could bring a picture over to Maria.  They arrived at the door fifteen minutes later.  Zach handed Maria a gerber daisy and a picture of him, Maria and Anna playing and smiling.  Maria blushed.  He said sorry.  Maria hugged him. 

Maria learned forgiveness, Zach and Anna learned compassion and humility, and I learned to take a deep breath.  I do not want to project my former (and sometimes current) battle with weight and looks on my daughter.  Yeah, society is ridiculous with its promotion of the skinny, the young, the white.  But this incident did not need to rise to the national level.  We needed a discussion about loving yourself and loving your body, your heart, and your mind.  We needed some apologies and hugs and smiles.  And we got just what we needed.

Another save by Anne Lamott

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Maria and Mario enjoying the slide on one of our routine park trips!

Anne Lamott deserves eternal grace and love.  She continues to pull me through rough times and ground me on this Earth, feet flat, eyes ahead, mouth situated upwards.  Not even my hubby or my kids can take me to the place she leads me where I feel a deep comfort and appreciation for all I have and who I am.  No matter if I just had a wreck of work day, a blowout with my kids, a frantic eating frenzy of chocolate and pizza – her stories penetrate. 

I read her story about her friend David Roche tonight ( http://www.davidroche.com/anne-lamott/).  I have read it at least ten times before but I specifically hunted it down on the internet tonight because I knew it would lift me up.  David is a humorist.  He happens to have a facial deformity, too.  He uses it to lift people out of their house of fear and to open up their mind to the beauty in their world.  He talks about the fleeting moments of true happiness and bliss. 

…[E]veryone has come to understand that unconditional love is a reality, but with a shelf life of about eight to ten seconds. Instead of beating yourself up because you feel it only fleetingly, you should savor those moments when it appears. As David puts it, “We might say to our beloved, ‘Honey, I’ve been having these feelings of unconditional love for you for the last eight to ten seconds.’ Or, ‘Darling, I’ll love you till the very end of dinner.'”

Mario's tenth silly face

Oh, how true.  I have been beating myself up lately because of my irritation with not feeling more of these incredible, awe-inspiring moments on a routine basis but this brings me back to reality.  Stop wishing for more of these moments and instead relish in the moments that do come my way.  I am quite sure that Maria’s raucous laugh or Mario’s silly faces or Jon’s adoring comments could produce an unconditional love-filled moment or two but I often brush it aside as I try to plan for the next day or the upcoming meal or bath time.  I will try to let it wash over me from now on and live in that moment of bliss. 

Maria laughing it up after diving in the pool with her clothes on!

I took Maria and Mario to the park tonight to play in the sand volley ball court and run around the jungle gym.  A group of parents were in the park with their kids watching them play soccer.  I stood talking with another mom who was holding one of her newborn twins.  As I stood with her, I occasionally glanced over at M&M who were skipping through the sand and dragging sticks behind them.  I watched them as they ran together to the jungle gym and Maria teased Mario all the way up the stairs to the slide and then helped him situate himself to go down feet first.  They giggled together and yelled for each other.  I look back on those moments this evening as I sit at this computer and I smile.  What more to wish for at this time in life than a pair of kids who find humor in each other and enjoy the outdoors and nature and fresh air and fall nights.  We are blessed by someone or something to be able to take in all of the smells of Fall, all of the energy of young kids, all of the beauty of a falling sun. 

M&M hanging tight on the ride home

Thanks, Anne, for letting me mediate on this tonight.

Anne Lamott quote

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M&M splashing it up at the pool

Ok, so I just had to talk one more day about Anne Lamott and put a quote out here that I love of hers.  It comes from Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith.  Wonderful Book.  Here is the quote:

“I don’t know why the most we can hope for on some days is to end up a little less crazy than before, less down on ourselves. ”

That wraps up my day today.  I felt a little less crazy than I have felt in a few weeks and a little more positive about where I am, who I am.  Ferron helped, too, I believe.  And that german chocolate cake Doris made tonight.  And hearing from my sis.  And a fun night at the pool with M&M.  I will go to bed with those soothing thoughts on my mind and hope for an even less crazier day tomorrow and less harshness from my own head about what I am doing, who I am, why I do the things I do.  Just be for once.  Ahh, it is all so clear at 11 pm at night…:)

Loving Anne Lamott

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I have been thinking about faith lately.  It is inevitable when I have two kids who constantly make me question my existence and purpose. 

Jon and I were both raised Catholic and head to church every so often but definitely do not attend on any type of regular basis or have an urgent need to take the kids.  We want them to have faith, however.  I feel that is necessary to ground them, make them more thoughtful, make them more empathetic and understanding people.  If it was completely up to me, I would head down south to one of those small churches to just hear the people sing like it was their last breath and dance and have fun and truly engage in a celebration.  That to me is one thousand times better than sitting in a quiet church listening to a man give a monotone sermon about Jesus.  It is so dull to me.  I have only met one priest in my entire life who had some pizzazz and “umph” that got a rise in me and made me want to continue to sit in the pew. 

I want M&M to have their hearts filled with spirit when they go to church.  I want them to feel more alive, more hopeful when they leave. 

This leads me to Anne Lamott.  She is my faith at this stage of my life.  She is my refuge – she is who makes me hopeful and makes me feel alive.  Her stories about her son, her fears, her obsessions, her downfalls are so true and so real and so raw that I can’t help but dive into them and become a part of them.  I walk away from one of her stories and I have learned something.  I have faith that all will be ok.  I smile at her comparisons.  I feel reassured that I am doing the best I can with where I am.  I see beauty in M&M even if they almost drive me to buy a one way ticket to Istanbul. 

Thank you Anne Lamott for giving me this faith that I continue to struggle to find.  Someday I may find a chapel, cathedral, temple, church, park, where I feel a part of the community and I believe in what is being expressed and taught.  Until then, I have you.  Amen!

Kindergarten Round-Up and the Certainty of Uncertainty

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Kindergarten Round Up for Maria

My baby girl,pumpkin seed, doll baby, mama chicka enthusiastically walked through the kindergarten doors last week for Kindergarten Round-Up day.  I ate up her excitement because I had been worried that she would be nervous or frightened about heading somewhere “new.”  However, she has been talking about getting “older” for two years now and dreaming about wearing make-up, having girlfriends to talk about boyfriends, going out to the movies and to dinner, talking on the telephone – you name it.  Not as though these events will occur at kindergarten (or grade school for that matter) but it gets her one step closer to it all. 

As she let go of my hand and headed into the monstrous, overpowering kindergarten classroom, I wondered what she would get out of the year to come. What habits would be formed?  Who would her role models be?  Would she make good friends with some great girls?  When would she have her first slumber party?  Would she have an interest in science or math?  Would she continue to be close with me? 

I was awakened from my daydreaming by a cheerful lady who asked me to come downstairs with the rest of the parents for a parent orientation by the principal.  The principal was energetic and funny and warm and endearing and quickly made me feel at ease with taking Maria to the school everyday in the Fall.  But because of that, I started thinking about me.  What would I do when Maria was in “school” (not just daycare) everyday and meeting friends and branching out on her own and not “needing” me anymore?  What would I do when I went in and jumped on her bed to kiss her one morning and she yelled “Mom, stop!”  What would I do when she did not beg to go everywhere with me, when she was content with eating dinner on her own or going to the park without me by her side?

I attended a lecture by James Hollis last night.  His lecture grabbed me several times.  But at one point he spoke about the need to be comfortable with ambiguity.  The more you crave certainty, the more you will lead yourself down a path of disappointment, doubt, and frustration.  Fifteen years ago, I would have never imagined I would have married my husband – I swore the first time I met him that he was not the right one.  Two years later, I looked at his big “claw” hands that had turned me off when we first met, and I could not imagine being with a man who did not have those strong, powerful hands to hold me, lift our children, mow our yard.  Six years ago, I was certain that I would not get pregnant.  Fertility did not work, my periods were wacky and non-existent at times, we already had a dog that needed attention.  But then, there she was.  Ms. Maria Grace tumbling around in my belly, poking her feet at my side, making me nauseous at the thought or toothpaste or Tums.  And Mr. Mario, two years later, making me crave sushi (and not being able to eat it) and creating waves across my belly for his older sis to feel.   Thank god there is not certainty in this world. 

As for Maria, I told her the other day that I am not sure what class will be like, I am not sure how many people will be in her class, I am not sure about what they do for recess.  Her response was “that’s ok, mom, I will find out when I go there.”  There ya have it – another lesson from my almost 5-year-old!

Sleeping Beauties

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We can spend forty-five minutes trying to get them to bed, absolutely exhausted and irritated at their hyperactivity and zeal at 9 pm at night (and with little to no naps!).  There comes that tipping point, like in the movie Terms of Endearment, when Debra Winger’s sons are walking out to the car with her and her interested man.  The sons try to ask her a question and she politely asks them to go to the car and wait for her.  They do not listen and ask again, and with a little more irritation in her voice she responds “go wait at the car hunny.”  They ask yet again and she finally bursts out “GO WAIT AT THE CAR HUNNY!”   

I remember laughing so hard at that scene when I was a teenager not having any clue that such a scene would be my life in my thirties with two kids.   Actually, I guess that scene does not occur very often… I think back to Debra Winger’s acting and wonder if it was that hard for her to act that scene out or whether she just imagined her own kids doing that and nature took over. 

I pulled a Debra Winger the other night with M&M when I was trying to get them to go down to sleep.  Maria had chosen a book to read, which we did as Mario ran around the room pointing guns at us and threatening us with his plastic sword.  Then it was Mario’s turn. 

“Get a book Mario, and then it is bedtime.”

He  continued to play Ninja.  

“Ok, bedtime, then.”

“No, Mommy.  Book.”

“Get your book, then, Mario.”

He continued to run around chasing Maria with his sword.

“Get your book, Mario,” I pronounced a little more emphatically.

He stayed the course of chasing Maria with his sword.

“Mario, GET YOUR BOOK OR ELSE BEDTIME NOW!”

He placed the sword down on the chair and got Clifford.   Maybe I just need to start at that tone right away?

After reading and rocking, I finally got to head downstairs for some peace.  I wrote, ate some ice cream, and trekked back upstairs to call it a night.  And what did I find? 

Mario sleeping with his two obligatory binkies

 

Those boisterous, high-energy children sleeping like little fairies in their beds.  Maria had even changed into one of my old silk nighties (that I got for my wedding!), which made me just want to eat her up.  It is funny how your mind lets all the irritations and anger slip away in one quick second after seeing little babes resting like this.  I guess it is nature’s way of protecting the young.  Make sure they look sweet and angelic shortly after their tirades so mom and dad stick around another day. 

Smart move.

My little fairy

From Ecstatic to Miserable in less than 5 seconds

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I decided to take Maria out to lunch this afternoon.  She has been begging me to pick her up from school and take her out to lunch since allegedly all of her other friends at school have parents that pick them up for lunch all the time (yes, I found out when I picked her up tonight that rarely anyone gets picked up just for lunch – she is already working me!).  I walked into her room, and unfortunately, she had just finished lunch.  I had not promised her I would be able to get her and I had not told her teachers I Iwas coming because they usually eat at 12:30 and I had picked her up at noon. 

Of course, this was the only day that they decided to eat early.  Maria did not share in my distress about her already eating – when I asked her if we should do it another day, she looked at me strangely and stated “Mom, I can eat again, silly!” 

Jon joined us on our way out the school door, and we went to Bob Evans.  We sat at the counter where Maria and Jon sit when they have their father-daughter dinners.  Maria beamed.  We decided to split  pancakes.  When the waitress asked Maria is she wanted bacon or sausage with her pancakes, she responded “Both.”  God love her.  Then we asked her if she was happy to come out with Jon and I and she exclaimed “Yes, I get another lunch!” 

After lunch, I took her in the stroller to the pet store and Target.  She sported a smile the entire way over to the stores letting me know what a great day it was for her.  We said hello to all of the turtles, snakes, rats, ferrets, cats, and dogs and then made our way to Target.  

“Mom, can I get a toy since I have been good this week?”  (Earlier in the week I had got her a toy because she had to endure four shots in one outing as part of her physical for kindergarten).  I explained to her, as I always have to do, that we do not automatically get toys every time we go to Target.  She blew me off and headed to the toy section.  She looked at barbies and baby dolls, sporadically calling out “I want this one, mom” but then moving on to a new thing within two seconds.  I told her I would get her something small (Yes, I have to learn to say “no” to anything – I am a work in progress).   I knew there was nothing she truly “wanted” or “needed” so I tried to reason with her to hold off on a toy until next time so we could get something bigger and better.  Yeah, right. 

We turned the corner to look in the doll section and there it was….  The Leapster.  The beautiful, glowing Leapter that she has been wanting for a few weeks now, especially because her cousin has one and she got a taste of it last weekend when her cousin brought it over with her.  She looked at me with those pleading, droopy eyes and puckered lips and begged “Please mommy, please.”  I responded with an understanding look and gave her hope by telling her that dad and I were thinking about getting her a Leapster for her birthday. 

“I want one now, mom.”

“Maria, that is a lot of money.  You may get one for your birthday.”

“No, mom, it will be gone by then.  I need it now.” 

“No Maria.”

WIth that second affirmation of “no”, she stomped down the aisle huffing “ugh!” the entire way.  I tried to console her but she would have nothing of it. 

“Get away from me mom.” 

I knew I should have let it go, after all she is four and a half years old – what behavior do I expect?  Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but feel sad and disappointed by her behavior. Here she had been treated to an afternoon out of school, a yummy lunch, a trip to the pet store and now she was acting like I was an evil witch.  How is that fair?  And now what do we do?  Leave to head back to school mad and grumpy?  I was so irritated me that I had taken off two hours from work and she was going to end our time being angry and grumpy.  

I immediately fast forwarded time to her teenage years knowing that this was a harbinger of what was to come.  Indeed, I remember how I was with my folks at that age.  So, I am going to have to learn that this is part of having a kid – you do all you can for them, you give them your entire being at times, and they still treat you as if you have failed to do anything for them since the day they were born.  Shake it off and don’t take it personally.  Impossible but necessary.

We ended up finding an ice cream game that I thought would be fun for her and Mario to play.  She calmed down and we had an enjoyable walk back to school even spotting a hedgehog at the bank of the river.  We gave our good-bye kisses after reading a book and I was off back to work.  I convinced myself on the way to work that I needed to be strong and not try to be Maria’s best friend.  I needed to teach her that she did not “need” toys all the time, that she had to learn that everything was not at her fingertips, and that she needed to have an appreciation for all she had in life.  In doing so, it was inevitable that she snipped at me, got mad at me, told me things I did not want to hear.  I will just call my mom and stepmom during those times and have them remind me how horrible I was back in the day! 

When I came back to the daycare later that afternoon, Maria was happy and running around with her friends.  Mario was also in a pleasant mood (Fridays are great).  His teacher grabbed me as soon as I went outside to get him.  “You have to see this!”  She asked Mario to come over and she engaged in the following dialogue with him:

“Hey Mario”

“What?” he responds.

“Hey Mario”

“What?” he repeats.

“Shake you booty.”

“No way!” He shouts.

“Shake your botty!” 

“Ok!” he shouts and jumps up shaking his booty and dancing around.  

It was hilarious, and I was so bummed that my video would not work on my phone.  He is such a lively, crazy little thing.  He comes up with the most hilarious sayings and engages in the silliest antics.  Our little jokester.  But, I am quite sure he will be pouting in Target someday soon, and I will feel that same sadness I felt with Maria today.  But today built up some resistance, and I have a sneaking susupicion that I will have plenty of times to build up even more resistance in the near future.

Fat Mama Robin

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Enjoying Spring

We all love the sight.  We stop cold in our tire tracks to watch the fat mama robin bird skip along the sidewalk, over to the fallen branch, and up into the skeletal tree.  We are quiet.  We gawk.  We breathe in that end-of-winter-spring-is-near air.  We start pedaling again only to be stopped 30 feet ahead to stare at another plump robin. 

After twenty minutes of pedaling, we make it to the “church park” (we are blessed with five parks within a mile from our house).  Maria and Mario park their bikes at the corner of the grass and asphalt, and sprint to the jungle gym.  I was so excited because they played on the jungle gym for a whole 45 minutes going up and down the ladder rings and sliding down the tube slide on their bellies. 

Mario the daredevilThe famous Italian Model, Maria

Maria is not one to want to move much so this was great for her.  Of course, she wanted me to participate in the slide action so I had to contort what felt like my mammoth over-sized body into a kiddie tube slide.  Don’t ask me why they enjoyed it because we stopped about ten times due to my elbow getting caught or my knee hitting the wall, but they did. 

I felt alive again.  The past few months have been brutal to me.  I cannot stand not being outdoors.  I can handle about an hour in the house before I crave fresh air.  With the 20 degree weather almost all Winter, there was a real lack of fresh air.  So, to have it back after all this time is a pure gift.  I was telling a girlfriend that Winter must have come on so strong for a reason – to remind me to appreciate Spring. 

I have high hopes for this Spring – a first family camp out.  My little sister began her camping adventures at age 4 so I figure Maria can handle it.  Mario will not allow her and I to go alone so he will have to handle it by default.  I figure I will have them setting up camp by the end of the Summer as well as fishing, hiking, and making insanely scrumptious s’mores.